Monday Daybook

Outside my window... a windy day with starkly blue skies blowing around a little white cloud or two. Autumn has come to the mountains.

I am thinking... about who I can hire to babysit Will for a few hours each day, so I can focus on my work. I would prefer a college student who is studying education or childhood development. My mom encouraged me to think of this as an opportunity to befriend someone, but it's difficult to not be fearful. Even under the same roof, I'm hesitant to place my precious baby in the hands of someone else.

I am thankful for... coupons. Saved $12 at Babies-R-Us tonight.
From the kitchen... breakfast for dinner: pancakes and sausage patties and orange juice. Marty cooked for me, once again. Wasn't I going to get my act together in the kitchen?

I am creating... a baby photo album on Shutterfly. I'm already up to page 35 and only into the third week of Will's life. Each album has a maximum of 80 pages, and at $75 an album, it's quite the expensive hobby.

I am going... to finish cleaning and organizing my office. Then I'm going to reward myself by starting a savings fund for new office furniture, I'm thinking the Bedford collection from Pottery Barn. I'll be able to purchase it sometime in 2013.
I am reading... One Fifth Avenue. Still. See, Kate, you're not the only one lagging behind on finishing a book!

I am hoping... that Will sleeps more than 4 hours at a stretch tonight. He had shots today and is tired, cranky, and a wee bit feverish. It makes my mommy's heart sad to see him not feeling well.

I am hearing... Monday night football, Cowboys vs. Panthers. I'm rooting for the Panthers because I think that stadium in Dallas is just a bit much, and I'm way over Tony Romo. Wow, I remember the days when I hadn't a clue as to the identity of NFL quarterbacks, nor did I care about the outcomes of games. But, as my friend RJ once told me, I had my "football awakening." He also told me if there were a Hallmark card for such an event, he'd have given me one. :)
Around the house... is never enough company. Leslie is visiting in mid-October and I'm counting down the days.

One of my favorite things... is cinnamon roll Pop-Tarts. I've only ever seen them sold at Wal-Mart.

I needed this

I totally scammed this from another girl's blog, and had to clean it up a bit for the sake of some of my readers, but YOU HAVE TO READ THIS. Be prepared -- don't read it if you're eating or drinking, or around other people if you have a laugh that you're embarrassed of, because you will laugh out loud.

Random thoughts from people 25-35 years old

-I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

-More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.

-Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

-Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

-That's enough, Nickelback.

-I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

-Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the "people you may know" feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?

-Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.

-There is a great need for sarcasm font.

-Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the f was going on when I first saw it.

-I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.

-How the h*** are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

-I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

-I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

-The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.

-LOL has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".

-I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

-Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantrontest is absolutely petrifying.

-Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

-How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

-I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent someone from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

-Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies"

-What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

-While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.

-MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

-Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

-I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

-I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

-Bad decisions make good stories.

-If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.

-Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem....

-You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

-Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.

-There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

-I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

-I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'

-I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring, but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

-I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

-I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle,then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

-As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers,but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

-Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

-It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

-I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

-Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.

-I wonder if cops ever hate the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

-I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

-I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

-The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself.

a great coupon

for all my friends with babies, or even with kiddos who are still wearing sizes that Babies-R-Us carries...

Here's a link to a coupon for 30% off your entire clothing and shoe purchase at Babies. Valid only until October 4th. I need some things for William, plus diapeys and wipeys and formula, oh my. I'm going to hie me hence to the store to use this, and I hope someone else can use it, too!

http://trus.imageg.net/graphics/corp/092309_BRU_Apparel_em.pdf

knock, knock, knock

Is anyone out there?

I'm just wondering if anyone is reading my blog anymore since I went private. I'll probably keep going even if no one is reading, but I'll probably update less often. I don't think I want to go back to having a public blog, but I didn't mean to shoo anyone away, either. Is it too much of a pain to log in, have a password, all that?

Let me know if you read; I'd appreciate it!

Monday Daybook

Because I'm completely unoriginal and because imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, I'm going to follow Kate's lead and do...

Outside my window...what looks like an evening in November. It's gray and morose-looking, rather like my mood.

I am thinking...about a family situation. I feel downright rage toward some people who have hurt my family. I mean, no one hurts my family. I don't let them. That's how I feel, anyway. I have been having imaginings about hurtful things I could do in response, but what keeps going through my head is a memory of saying the Lord's Prayer in church yesterday..."forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us." Very, very hard today.

I am thankful for... my husband. Always my husband.

From the kitchen... expressed breast milk. Nothing else! Today was my first day back at work and it was all I could do to keep pace again; my brain is half-rotted from so many weeks of reprieve from concentration. I think Marty's making burgers, though, so at least I won't starve, and maybe next week I'll have my act together in the kitchen.

I am creating... an organized home. Worked all weekend on drawers, cabinets, closets, etc.

I am going... to take a bath as soon as this post is written. Hallelu!

I am reading... One Fifth Avenue. Still. It's an easy read but it's long!

I am hoping... that Marty gets a job in Indiana soon.

I am hearing... Sports Center on ESPN, as Marty and Will gear up for Monday night football featuring none other than my Colts. I'm also hearing Will suck loudly on his pacifier.

Around the house... is too much stuff. Thus the organizing of it all.

One of my favorite things... house slippers. Just bought some turquoise and plum slippers from Target, and I think I'm going to buy another pair for when these give out.

p.s. -- this is not the end of The List. It shall be resurrected soon.

A shout-out

I just couldn't resist giving a shout-out to my dearest Kate's husband, Dan DeVries...last night he won the election for MAYOR of his hometown!!! Dan is now the mayor, or more accurately, the village president, of the Village of Schoolcraft, Michigan.

All I could think when I heard the news was, are we really grown-up now? Dan is MY AGE!

Anyhoo -- a big fat congratulations to you, Dan, and also to the First Lady of Schoolcraft, my BF Kate!!! Reign with grace and dignity, my dearest! :)

Please go here and here to read more!

Will at 2 months

My William, you are growing so fast it is making your Mommy's head spin. It seems like it was just a few days ago that we met:

I promise, those are happy tears! (I'm not one of those girls who are pretty when they cry!)

Could I have another tube or wire in my hand, please? I don't think I had enough there.

Then we took you home and started our family adventure. I love this picture, even though it's blurry. Look at that pink, precious baby!

Now at 2 months, my William, you:

• are 13 pounds, 5 ounces, and 23 1/4 inches long. That's between 75-90th percentile in weight (big boy!) and 50th percentile in height. You are a very healthy baby!
• are immunized against diptheria, tetanus & pertussis (DTAP), polio, and Hib (an influenza). You received Pentacel at your 8 weeks appointment, which is a combination vaccine -- only 1 shot! The doctors wanted to give you more immunizations, but your parents prefer to spread them out a bit, so we're going back in 2 weeks for the rest of your 2 months' vaccinations. The doctors weren't happy with Mommy and Daddy, but oh well. You're OUR child and we felt strongly against loading you up with too much vaccine, too early in your life. Anyway, you lived up to your name of Champion in taking that shot -- you made a complaint sound but you didn't even cry! Mommy was all prepared to nurse you for comfort but you didn't even need it. You felt better as soon as the nurse handed you back to Daddy, then you began looking around the room again with your usual curiosity! Daddy and I giggled in awe of our tough little dude.
• have quite the collection of nicknames. Mommy likes to call you Will-Baby, Doodle, Bubba, Bubby, and Little Dude. Daddy calls you Babies and Champ/Champy. We both call you Puppy and Punkin. Most of the time in conversation with other adults, though, we'll call you William or Will.
• are wearing some 3-6 months clothes, especially t-shirt onesies and sleepers. You are also wearing size 2 Pampers, although your parents are going to try to squeeze you into the remaining size 1's we have about the house, because we're frugal that way. Bad Mommy and Daddy.
• have the most startling blue-gray eyes:
• have a best friend. His name is "Paci." When we first brought you home, you were all about the Soothies, but once introduced to this particular pacifier, you won't take anything else now. In fact, you spit out every other type of pacifier as though they offend you! Mommy can't find a duplicate of Paci anywhere, so if Paci should be lost to us, Mommy and Daddy will be, quite simply, up a creek!!!
• have a pro for a Daddy. This is Mommy's new favorite picture (and yes, that's Paci in Daddy's mouth, being gripped by Paci's handle, of course):
• are a seasoned traveler. We took you to Lake Michigan at St. Joseph, where Nana and Pa-Pa always took Mommy and her sisters when they were growing up. This was a very special occasion for your Mommy, who used to walk along this beach and dream of one day having a little baby!
• have attended your first birthday party, your cousin Elijah's 3rd birthday (dinosaur-themed). You are fascinated by your cousins and fought sleep in order to keep watching them. You weren't too fond of the party hat that Mommy forced on you, though:
• have watched your first regular season NFL game with Daddy. This was a big deal for Daddy, who put you in your Saints jersey for the first time! (Don't tell Daddy, but I think you're secretly a bigger Colts fan.)
• have had your first non-milk food item -- pear juice! You've been going a long time in-between poopies (you'll hate me one day for telling other people this), so Dr. Terry recommended we give you some pear juice to encourage things along. You had 3 ounces of juice -- which you really liked -- and just a couple hours later, SUCCESS!
• are getting almost 5 hours of sleep at your longest stretch during the nights. I can't even tell you how pleased this makes Mommy!!! We're getting there, and pretty soon, you'll get 6-7 hours at a time and your parents will remember what it's like to get a full night's sleep.
• are "talking" all the time. You love to coo and gurgle at us, and when I get you out of your cradle in the mornings, you now break into a grin so wide you have to move your head to get out all that happiness. It absolutely melts your Mommy's heart that you're so happy to see me.

I love you, my Will-Baby!

Miscellaneous pictures

"Look, Nana, we match."

Sleepy puppy. (One of Will's nicknames.)

Our family. (Please ignore the stringy hair and bags under my eyes.)


Just baptized! Pastor Harmon, who joined me and Marty in marriage, performed the baptismal ceremony and it was so very sweet.


This is his just-opened-eyes look.


Tired but happy, happy, happy.


I love the wedding ring and baby toes -- they represent the greatest blessings in my life.

Our hero, Dr. Pickler. Seriously, I love her -- she was so awesome when I needed her to be.

The best picture of all -- he gave my mom his first "official" smile.

A quick check-in...

...to let everyone know that I'm back in Tennessee and will (finally!) be responding to now-old emails and blog comments and such, and to also give an FYI: my phone is eating missed calls and messages, and will occasionally spew them back out, but only days and days later when the caller fully expected a call back well before then! I also get texts weirdly out of order and sometimes, not for hours and hours after they've been sent (Ellen can testify to this; she was with me in the mall when I got a text, from her, that she'd sent a couple hours before!). I don't know if it's the phone (old) or the service (unreliable), but I know it's not me (angry). However, I'm sure some of you are thinking it is me and I want to just send out this universal message: if you tried to contact me and I didn't get back to you within a couple days, my phone probably ate your message and it might decide to give it back come next March! My friend Leslie and I used to call this the "bad secretary" syndrome; Leslie has quite the notorious history with cell phones and I have a history of attracting drama just when I really don't want any (like when I'm on a long visit to Indiana to see family and friends and must RELY on my phone!). Anyway, please blame my bad secretary and give Becky another chance. As per usual, email is generally the best way to get ahold of me, although if it's not semi-urgent, sometimes it does take me a few days to respond. So if you tried before, please try, try again!

Coming soon: a little write-up, with pictures of course, on my extended stay in Indiana. Also, Will at 2 months, and finally, "I wish it were 'eternity leave': musings on the end of maternity leave." Stay tuned!

Indiana wants me, Round 2

As I type this, Marty is watching the preseason football game between the Colts and Eagles, and I have to confess, I'm not all that interested in preseason stuff -- it just doesn't count, you know? But when the game came on and Fox showed footage of Indy's downtown and our beautiful new football stadium (which we've toured!), I got more than a wee bit wistful and homesick for my hometown. I never knew how much I loved Indianapolis until I moved away. I have nothing against Tennessee, but it's just not home. And there's nothing like having a baby that makes a girl want HOME!

We hadn't planned on making another trip with Will until he was a little bit older, but we decided to take a different tack with things so I can have the benefit of going home without exhausting our little one. Marty and Will and I will be traveling up to Indy tomorrow, and then Marty will drive back to Tennessee on Sunday afternoon, leaving me and Will at my parents' for the week. Marty will then come back up next weekend to "retrieve his babies" (his words, isn't he a doll?). This way, Will only has to deal with a one-way trip in a weekend, and will get to rest up from it throughout the week. I won't have another chance to do this because my maternity leave is quickly running out -- I go back to work the first week of October. I can't believe how fast it's approaching! Although I am kinda looking forward to the mental stimulation of work...I think my brain is rotting on the steady diet of TV I feed it daily.

I'm so looking forward to my 9 days in Indiana. On Saturday we'll be attending my cousin Ben's wedding, and I'll get to see so many relatives I haven't seen in a long time, plus introduce Will to everyone! On Monday, my Kate is driving down with her Jack to spend time with me and Will, and I'm ecstatic at the opportunity to see my BF and meet her son for the first time. I'll also get to see Kristen and her pregnant belly! Haven't seen that in a long time! I also want to do mani's-pedi's with Ellen (call me, El!), spend TONS of time with my sisters, and of course, have quality time with my parents and let Will's Nana and Pa-Pa just soak up his sweetness for a good long while (and not be worrying about when we need to get back on the road!).

So, I'll probably be away from the blog world for that whole time, and I doubt I'll even get around to checking email, either. Once again, I owe everybody and his brother a reply message, and I'm hoping to get to those before we leave tomorrow. If I owe you a response, please be patient with me...and if you live in Indiana and want to see me, please get in touch!

Random thoughts

Well, maybe "thoughts" is going too far. I don't do much thinking these days, what with the 4-5 hours of very interrupted sleep I get per night. Thank God for Marty, who lets me catch up on weekends and the occasional weeknight. I've always been a champion sleeper, and now my little Champion is not a sleeper -- either there's an irony there or I'm so tired I think there's an irony there. :)

Anyway, here's the random stuff floating in my head:

• I'm so flipping STOKED for the new season of Project Runway to premiere this Thursday. Who knew that Lifetime, of all networks, would save one of the best shows ever from cancellation? Lifetime: Television for Women -- and Cool People!

Of course I have to mention again that when we were in New York in November, we walked right past THE building and I was so tempted to go in and find me some Tim Gunn!

• I am enjoying my new favorite fragrance -- "Beachy" from Lilly Pulitzer. We picked this up when we were in Indiana -- Marty and Will and I had a fabulous time shopping at Von Maur (Daddy let Mama get some fun treats!) And I have to confess I didn't even know about Lilly Pulitzer until I moved to the South. If you don't know who and what I'm talking about, go here and here to read!
• Right now I have a baby sleeping on my chest, yet I'm typing. How is this magic achieved, you ask? With the help of my new favorite possession, a Baby Bjorn!

p.s. -- did they purposely get an Angelina Jolie lookalike for this ad? Is she the face of modern motherhood, I wonder?

• Since the thought of reading anything of substance only makes me more tired, I'm delving into the lighter reading/chick-lit section of the stack of books I bought to read while on maternity leave (what was I thinking?). I'm currently reading this and, of course, shamelessly loving it.
• Finally, my friend Kristen called me this morning to tell me she's expecting a baby GIRL. This is quite the news, as she's had a "decade of boy" now (she has two sons) and didn't dare hope for a girl. But the ultrasound this morning revealed a dream come true! I have to say, I can't wait to have a girl. Okay, yes I can wait. For awhile. Until the stretch marks from my pregnancy with Will fade a tad, at least! But I would L-O-V-E to have a daughter, and I'm so excited that Kristen is getting her baby girl. She's getting a chandelier for her nursery! How chic is that? Congrats again, my Kristen!

Will at 1 month

At 1 month, my William, you are:

• 11.4 pounds and 22 inches long. At your 4 weeks appointment (which actually happened in your 5th week), Dr. Terry said that you are gaining weight "beautifully." I should say so -- you feel heavier to me every day! Dr. Terry (who is a lovely lady about Mama's age and who is expecting her own first baby) thinks you are the cutest thing ever. I asked her if she says that to all the moms and dads and she said "No -- I see lots of babies and I'm telling you, he is really cute!" In the few days leading up to the appointment, you'd been spitting up more than usual and I mentioned this to the doctor. She thinks that you have a mild case of reflux, but she wanted us to have your tummy checked out for something a little more serious, called "pyloric stenosis," which is a stomach muscle that is tightly constricted in some infants, and has to be fixed through a little surgery. Needless to say, Mama tried not to freak out when she heard this! You had an ultrasound on your tummy a couple days ago that revealed you are perfect in every way. You weren't thrilled to have your lunch delayed, nor did you like having the goo on your belly, but you were as patient as you could be, and you took the Pedialyte bottle(s) like the Champ you are! So now Mama and Daddy are giving you Zantac for the reflux, and even though we haven't seen much of an improvement yet, we are hoping this gives you some relief from the obvious tummy discomfort you experience after meals.
• in size 1 diapers. And they are Pampers, NOT Huggies! After using the "blankie-soft" Pampers, Huggies feel like rough paper to your Mama and Daddy and we can't bear putting them on your delicate skin.
• in size 0-3 months, and sometimes size 3 months clothes. Your Mama doesn't understand the 0-3 months thing, because there are a lot of brands that skip right from Newborn size to 3 months size, and there seems to be a big gap room-wise in-between. Mama is packing up your Newborn items and she's sad about it, because you're growing so fast!!!
• taking about 4 ounces of milk at a feeding. Sometimes you'll go for 5 and this makes your parents happy, because you sleep longer! But sometimes you only want 3 ounces or so, especially during the night.
• still sleeping only 1.5-2.5 hours at a time during the night. When we first brought you home from the hospital, you slept at least 3 hours at a time, so we know you are a good sleeper when your tummy isn't bothering you. Zantac, please work soon!!!
• starting to smile more and more. Your first "official" smile (ie, when we knew for sure you were smiling on purpose) was for your Nana, after she gave you a bath. You LOVE baths, which makes your Mama smile, because I love baths myself! You smile most often when you are content, which is when your belly is full and you're wearing a clean diaper and onesie and you're wrapped in a blanket and being rocked. Sometimes you sigh audibly and smile as you drift off to sleep, and it's so very precious.
• playing with your monkey mat, and you are very engaged for about 10-15 minutes at a time. You have a good strong grip and you like to hang on tightly to the rings once you get ahold of them. And you LOVE to look into mirrors and see the baby there; he makes you smile!
• more and more dear to your parents with each passing day. Mama went shopping the other night by herself, and only an hour into her trip, she realized she missed you terribly and couldn't wait to get home to hold you!

Who's watching the first NFL preseason game?

Will and his daddy, of course.

Birth Story, Part 2 (a reluctant telling)

Me and my little dream come true

It's hard to believe a month has passed since Will came into our lives. I can hardly fathom how fast infants grow, and in some ways I want time to slow down, but in other ways, I want more distance between me and the day that Will was born. I keep putting off writing the rest of his birth story and sharing it here because in all honesty, it was the scariest, most pain-filled day of my life. The only shining point was the moment that Will was born and I heard him cry...at that moment I was on an operating table, limp with exhaustion, simply worn out from labor that had gone nowhere. When I heard him cry, my own tears fell -- tears of such unbelievable relief, because I knew I had delivered him safely into the world and he was no longer in danger inside of me. Any woman who has experienced pre-eclampsia or even the threat of pre-eclampsia knows what I'm talking about -- there is nothing quite like knowing that your body is slowly becoming a toxic environment for the child you so desperately love and want. In the days leading up to his birth, I felt truly betrayed by my body. I couldn't understand why my blood pressure, which had been textbook-perfect up to 38 weeks, was suddenly climbing quite steadily toward toxemia. And the betrayal I felt eclipsed the day my labor was induced. I'm going to give the short version of what happened, because I just don't like re-living it.

I spent the day on massive amounts of medicine that were supposed to tell my body to deliver Will -- only my body didn't quite get the message. I had contractions -- very painful contractions, in fact -- but contractions that accomplished nothing. My body didn't dilate and Will didn't descend. After 14 hours of labor, I was only at 4 centimeters. After 14 hours, after going through 2 epidurals (the first failed and the second one wasn't administered for 2 hours after the failure of the first), periods of vomiting, and body-shaking, teeth-chattering pain, I was running a fever, Will's heartbeat was decelerating with each contraction, and suddenly I was wearing an oxygen mask -- after all that, I knew I was done. Dr. Pickler came into my room and I knew she had come to talk realities with me. I was ready to beg for a C-section but I soon realized that begging was unnecessary -- she was in full support of doing one and I barely listened to the benefit-risk-ratio speech that she gave. I said "Let's do it" and quite literally 5 minutes later I was watching Marty don scrubs and I was being prepped for surgery. Ten minutes later I was in a freezing-cold operating room, nodding my head to the anesthesiologist that I couldn't feel my legs or belly. Fifteen minutes later, right before she hung the curtain, I locked eyes with Dr. Pickler and she winked at me. Funny, but that wink communicated so much -- it said, "I've done this a zillion times and I'm going to take care of you." Then the curtain was hung, Marty sat down behind me, and I felt the first sensation of the C-section being performed. I felt pressure, then lots of pressure, then tugging and pulling, then I heard Dr. Pickler say, "Well hello, cutie-pie," and I heard my son take his first breath and let it out in a precious little cry. He was taken immediately to a warmer and I looked back at Marty and said, "I'm fine, please go to Will." Marty got up and then my nurse, Teresa, who had been such a help to me all night, ducked under the curtain and crouched down to squeeze my shoulder and she had watery eyes when she said simply, "Congratulations." A few minutes later, Marty came around the curtain and perched my little boy on my shoulder, and as I laid eyes on him for the first time, I was shocked at how beautiful his little face was. Of course I expected to love my baby no matter what his appearance at birth, but it's true that C-section babies are really more adorable because they don't get squished! More than that, I saw his stunning blue eyes blinking at me, and I kissed his unbelievably soft cheek, and I couldn't believe he was mine. I had tears streaming down my face and all I could think to say was, "I love you my little William." All too soon Marty had to give him to the nurses because my surgery was finishing. I was rolled to one side so my epidural could be removed, and I remember thinking, don't take that away so soon! Because of a previous "chemical reaction" to morphine I was not put on the morphine drip post-surgery, but rather given an IV injection of a different painkiller. The last thing I remember in the operating room was my teeth starting to chatter again...then I woke up back in my room, in the worst, most terrible pain I've ever experienced in my life. Understand that I've had my appendix taken out and I've had a softball-sized cyst removed from my right ovary -- abdominal surgery wasn't exactly new to me. But I'd never felt anything like this and I couldn't understand why I wasn't being given painkillers. I was in such a fog but I knew that the only person with me was Teresa, and I looked over and saw that she was injecting something more into my IV. Because my teeth were chattering so badly, I struggled to tell her, "I'm in terrible pain." She nodded her head and told me she was administering painkillers every 5 minutes, and she had just given me all she was legally allowed to. Then Marty came into the room and quickly saw that I was in a bad way. Teresa explained to him that I'd already been given all the medicine she could give me and she was going to have to leave for a minute to get permission to administer a different medicine. I don't remember much after that. Marty says I looked at him and said "Help me" and then passed out from the pain. He says I came to and then passed out once more before Teresa was back to give me something else. Whatever she gave me finally worked because I felt the pain level go down just a notch and the relief was tremendous. We still don't know why, but the initial painkiller I was administered following surgery just didn't work, and as Teresa said, I came down from the epidural and suddenly "felt everything." Anyway, I must have dozed for awhile because the next thing I remember is a nurse wheeling Will's bassinet into my room and my family being there, speaking quietly in the soft light. The nurse put William into my arms and I started rocking him gently and touching his face. I felt like we both had just survived a tremendous ordeal and I felt badly that he had experienced any stress from the whole thing. Then I remember smiling to myself and thinking that parental guilt starts right away!

And there you have it -- Will's birth story. I hope it doesn't scare anyone away from having kids because it goes without saying that getting William was worth all of it. You hear horror stories about births and I reluctantly find myself in possession of my own such horror story. But, like Marty has said to me since, anything worth having is often something we have to struggle to get, and getting Will here was a mighty struggle. So will I face this struggle again and have more kids? To answer that, I first want to point out that I shared a happy picture above to show that a month later, the struggle is beginning to fade from memory -- well, at least the sharper edges of it. And secondly, here's a final anecdote from the story...I remember at last getting the green light for the second epidural and sitting up in my bed to curve my back over and be administered some blessed relief -- I trembled through another contraction before I felt the bee-sting of the needle, and then I looked at Marty and said, "You know, after all this, I still want more kids." Marty smiled and said, "Honey, you're more of a man than I am." The doctor (a man) behind me joined in and said, "It's so true -- if it were up to men to have children there would be no people." It's one of the few things I like remembering about that day -- I know I was a real trooper. I felt the strength of my maternal instincts and the power of womanhood in the hardest thing we're called upon to do. I've heard that some women who have C-sections feel like their surgery was somehow a cop-out; trust me, I am NOT one of these women. Because trust me, enduring a C-section is no picnic! And for me, for this birth, it was the obvious, clear, correct choice. And now that I've had one, I'll always have the option to give birth this way again. That's a decision we'll make later on when we get there, but I like to imagine that the next time I give birth, it will be something that happens in a scheduled way, with lots of drugs (that work), and in a manner that I'm now accustomed to -- so that might answer that! I think I'm entitled to an easier birth next time, don't you think? :)

Indiana wants me

For all my Hoosier friends and family, Marty and Will and I will be hitting the road this evening, bound for Indy. I have NO IDEA how this is going to go. We're breaking up the journey by stopping in Lexington, KY, tonight, so as not to push our little son past his limits (but what are those limits? We don't even know!).

The goal is to see my grandfather for his 87th birthday and to introduce him to his newest great-grandson. And also so that Will's Nanna can have more time with him, since she practically cries on the phone when she hears him cooing and making all his other baby noises. And so my Mama can fix me a cup of tea, and I can sit at her kitchen table and feel that all is right with the world.

We don't have any other agenda besides probably visiting Josh & Jen's church on Sunday (sorry, y'all, I can't remember the name of your church!), but if you want to visit Orchard Lane while we're in town, give my cell phone a buzz.

Wish us Godspeed on this (reckless? foolish? new-parent-crazy?) trip of ours!

A year ago today...

...I started this blog, my journey toward A Peaceful Life. I want to take a minute to remember all that has transpired in this year:

1. Marty and I celebrated the 1-year anniversary of being matched on eHarmony. Though we'll never do a commercial (you wouldn't believe the numbers of people who tell us to do so), we will forever be grateful for this 21st-century way of meeting that someone special, and for that unique blend of magic (divine perhaps?) that eHarmony offers.
2. My parents gave us a wedding reception in Indiana.
3. We celebrated the onset of autumn with Leslie.
4. We found out we were expecting a baby!!!
5. I fulfilled a life-long dream of visiting the Big Apple, and enjoyed it so much, even though I was battling some heinous morning sickness!
6. We discovered, much to our surprise, that we were having a BOY!
7. I was able to visit my favorite city, Charleston, SC, twice! Once for a girl's weekend with Leslie and Christa, and once to have a babymoon with Marty.
8. I enjoyed 3 baby showers, one in Mississippi, one in Indiana, and one in Tennessee.
9. We had a 3-D/4-D ultrasound and saw our little William.
10. And then finally, finally, finally, our son was born!
11. We celebrated our first-year anniversary, and my amazing husband surprised me with a diamond ring!

It would be silly to say that I handled all of the above with the peace that I so deeply long for, but I can be honest and say that I try to achieve that peace in every moment, or at least that I want to always be trying for it. It's a process, though, and sometimes I just utterly fail (like during labor, and to be frank, during these postpartum days). But because life is so very, very precious, it's my goal to be ever-conscious of the value of each moment, and to cherish each moment with peaceful gratitude. Here's to another year of doing so, or at least trying!

The must-haves

Oh the things I need!

(Will's now-famous "oh" face)

Yes, still avoiding the second half of the birth story...but in the meantime, I wanted to write down for the sake of expecting friends and my own future reference those things that have been indispensable to me in my first weeks of motherhood.

The Swaddle Designs Ultimate Swaddling blanket. (You can see Will's in the picture above.) I want 10 of these but right now have just the one, and use it night and day. It's the perfect size and weight and softness.

The Boppy. We received the Boppy "bare naked" pillow and a slipcover, and have since bought another Boppy (one for upstairs; one for downstairs) and 2 more slipcovers. I simply couldn't do without these pillows (and the slipcovers since breastmilk and spit-up are quite inevitable) -- they help my back and keep Will at the right height and angle for nursing. I know some women don't like them but I just LOVE them.Soothies. I was unsure about using pacifiers but then motherhood (a.k.a., reality, hits and you find yourself in need of something to comfort the baby for 5 minutes while you change a diaper or whatever) and Will just loves these. In fact, he prefers them to other pacifiers. Maybe it's because you can stick your finger in the nipple to hold it in place? I don't know the magic of Soothies, I just know they work.

My glider. My parents bought us this Dutailier glider and ottoman, and it has saved my sanity at 3 a.m. feedings because it's so comfortable and warm and cozy; it's the next best thing to actually being in bed. In other words, it takes the edge off having to be awake at 3 a.m.! Even if you don't want to spring for the Dutailier, I highly recommend having a glider of some kind. Beg, borrow, or steal one of these!

A Medela breast pump. My BF Kate told me a handful of times prior to Will's birth to just go ahead and get one, but I kept balking at the expense. Then I had a baby who wanted to be fed constantly, sometimes every hour throughout the night, and I just couldn't keep up anymore. My OB finally talked me into it, telling me I would recover much faster if I could get more sleep, and to let the Daddy take a couple of nighttime feedings with a bottle of pumped milk. Probably more than any other item, this breast pump has saved my life! And while I know you can get cheaper manual pumps, I am now getting 6 ounces of milk from my pump within about 10-15 minutes, and that's a precious amount of time to sacrifice with a newborn on-hand, so I can't imagine needing to use 30-60 minutes with a manual!

An excellent Daddy. Oh my goodness, where would I be without my Marty? Even though he must get up for work every day, he will still take one feeding at night for me so I can get more than 2 hours of uninterrupted sleep.

You will laugh, but...Ina Garten. Yes, it's true. She's an essential baby-care item, because she's an essential Mama-care item. I've always really liked her, but for some reason, her show gives me an inordinate amount of comfort, and I watch both airings on Food Network every day. I will even try to arrange naps and feedings around the shows so I can watch her and get a television version of a hug.

I interrupt this birth story...

...to share that I've lost all 25 pounds I put on during pregnancy (in 18 days???). I'm officially at my pre-pregnancy weight!

So here's my question -- why do I still look about 12 weeks pregnant? And I keep forgetting to ask my OB when I can gently work out again (post C-section) because my belly muscles are SO SORE, I'm loath to do a darn thing to them. And when do the stretch marks start to fade?

I could use answers/advice on these things. And...go.

All's Will That Ends Will: Birth Story, Part 1

As I was preparing to leave the hospital last Thursday, my mom was blow-drying my hair for me and I was musing over the events of the previous 4 days, when this version of the famous Shakespearean phrase popped into my head. Maybe it was the drugs still pumping through my system or maybe it was my fallback sense of humor about scary things that prompted it, but when I had this thought I burst out into giggles and could barely get out through the hysterical laughing, "All's Will that ends Will, Mom!"

And how true it is. Prepare yourself; I'm including lots of details (icky ones also) and it's a pretty long story. Hey -- it was a pretty LONG day!

There's some forestory to the actual story, but I haven't the mental energy to go into all that, for right now, at least. So I'll start with Monday morning, July 6, at 4 AM. The alarm went off, signaling the end of a very fitful night of sleep on my part. We were scheduled to be at the hospital at 6 AM for an induction, following a couple weeks of slowly worsening pre-preeclampsia symptoms (yes, apparently, there is such a thing -- as my doctor put it, "you're on the path"). Dr. Pickler wanted to avoid having me toxic-sick as I went into labor, so the induction was the appropriate choice, and even after all that ended up happening on Monday, I stand by that choice! Anyway, I heard my parents and sister Katie stirring downstairs while Marty started coffee and I jumped in the shower, hands shaking with excited, nervous energy. I couldn't believe the day had actually, finally arrived. Nine months really does begin to feel like ninety months near the end! Despite how early we got up, we ended up running late and I was throwing things into my suitcase when my Kate called me (she was up nursing her own sweet babe at that hour) to wish me well and to give me her love. It was my first favorite memory of the day, and even though I had to rush off the phone, it put such warmth in my heart that I'll never, ever forget it. Thank you, my Kate. Then we hauled all our necessities downstairs -- it looked like I was going on a vacation instead of checking into the hospital! -- and it was time for a quick swallow of my Mama's blueberry muffins and some picture-taking and then we were out the door and on our way. We arrived about 20 minutes late, but I figured since they couldn't start without me, it probably wouldn't be too big of a deal.

Me at 39 weeks, 2 days, on the morning of the induction

The first hour was all administrative stuff. We got assigned our room and then I signed form after form after form, most of which I was too distracted to read properly. I hope I didn't sign away anything valuable...! We also had a quick meeting with the anesthesiologist, and I assured her I'd definitely be wanting her services at some point that day. Then our nurses came on duty at 7 AM and we met the two Rachels. Rachel #1 was a nurse around my age and was mentoring Rachel #2 (fresh out of school, it seemed) through all the procedures, so Rachel #1 really took her time and did things carefully, which I very much appreciated. They were both such sweet girls that I forgave Rachel #1 for a well-placed but painfully done IV -- it made my toes curl, it hurt so bad! At that point I thought, Becky, you can't be a wimp today! Buck up girl!

Then I got changed into my gown and around 8:00, the Rachels hooked me up to a big, fat bag of Pitocin, assuring me since they had to start me on a slow drip, I probably wouldn't feel the effects anytime soon. Then I just sat in bed and chatted with my family until Dr. Pickler arrived around 8:30 to get the show on the road. She checked me and said I was "an almost 2" centimeters, and that she'd like to break my water. I'd decided beforehand that I wanted an epidural before my water was broken, because I knew from the experiences of others that without that bag of water in place, contractions feel about 100 times more intense! I shared this concern with Dr. Pickler and she told me that while she understood my fear, that if I didn't have my water broken, "I could sit on a bag of Pitocin for 2 days with little or no progress" and it was simply too early to get the epidural. Well, I was there to have a baby, dangit, so I didn't want to entertain any notions of little or no progress (oh the irony of THAT...read on). So, I said, "Let's do it, Dr. Pickler." Thus began attempt #1 to break my water. And let me tell you, I used every focusing/breathing technique IN THE BOOK to get through it. Apparently, my cervix was really high and even after much effort, Dr. Pickler -- "a seasoned water-breaker from way back" -- was unable to break my water. That was frustrating, especially since it hurt like the dickens to get through it and gained me nothing! Dr. Pickler then had to leave to do office hours, but told me she'd be back at lunch to try again and that I could happily dilate on my Pitocin drip until she returned. I promised her I'd do my best.

I can't remember when -- around 10:30 AM? -- I started feeling the contractions. The Rachels had slowly upped my Pitocin drip until I was really taking in quite a bit by mid-morning. By this time, also, I'd been assigned a new nurse who'd be with me throughout the day, until the shift ended at 7 PM. This angel's name was Shannon and I don't think I could have asked for a better nurse: she was kind, attentive, sweet, and funny, and took me SERIOUSLY on every point. She was with me during the failed water-breaking attempt #1 and didn't let me get discouraged about it. Anyway, around 11 AM, I told Shannon that I was beginning to get interested in a painkiller of some kind. Now, I was using all my breathing techniques, plus using all my courage and energy to get through the contractions, but it must be said I was on a monster-drip of Pitocin and the stuff ain't kind. Relentless is more like it! So Shannon checked me and said I was pretty much dilated to 3 (I guess they round up?) and I could have an injection of Staidol (I have no idea how this is spelled) to take off the edge until I was more inclined to get the epidural, which for some reason I was still rejecting at this point, thinking it was just too early. She also told me I could have a Staidol injection once an hour, every hour, and that it wouldn't interfere at all with my epidural if I suddenly decided I wanted that, too. Essentially, she didn't have to twist my arm and I felt better as soon as the stuff went into my IV. I felt much more comfortable and even started to doze for awhile. I stayed this way, taking Staidol injections and dozing, until around 1 PM, when Dr. Pickler came back. Right away we started water-breaking attempt #2, and it did not go well. Dr. Pickler had to try 3 different "instruments" (I can't even go there trying to describe the medieval torture devices they keep on hand for poor laboring mothers) and I lost count on how many times she tried. At one point, she sat back, put her hand on my knee, and said "God's trying to tell me something but I don't know what that is." I just looked at her and said, "He's telling you to keep trying because I'm on board here! I want to DO this! Keep going!" Dr. Pickler just looked at me with a half-smile and said something about my determination, and I said something back like, you better believe it!!! I told her, just do what you have to do, don't worry about me, and let's get it done. So, she tried again and I could tell she was not being as considerate of my pain threshold this time, which I oddly appreciated, but like I said, I wanted her to get it done. And with that, it was done -- I felt the gush of water and Shannon, Dr. Pickler, Marty, and I all clapped and celebrated. My first success of the day! Shannon then got me comfortable and settled and Dr. Pickler left, telling me to try not to have the baby before she could get back after 5 PM. We all smiled, especially me, genuinely thinking this was an outlier possibility, at least.

The first 5-10 minutes post-water-breaking, I thought, Hey, this isn't too bad. Then about 15 minutes into it, I started to really feel the contractions, even though I'd just had a Staidol injection at 1 PM and was something like a half-hour away from my next injection. Then in the next 10-15 minutes, I really started to feel some pain. I got out of bed and worked with Marty using the techniques we learned in childbirth class to sway and breathe and meditate through the contractions. This honestly helped a bit, but not a whole lot. Shannon came in and asked how I was feeling, and I told her "not good." She then showed me on the monitor that as soon as my water broke, my body had taken over and gone into its own labor pattern, and I was having contractions on top of contractions -- natural ones on top of Pitocin/chemically-induced ones. She said, no wonder you're in pain! Then Shannon said the magical "e" word and before I could think twice about it, I was signing a release form to receive the epidural. The anesthesiologist reappeared and honestly, I was so uncomfortable by this point that I didn't really hesitate nor have the energy to be scared of the epidural administration process. Shannon let Marty stay with me and he held me close while Shannon watched my contractions and the anesthesiologist gave me directions. I curved my back outward and prepared myself for the "bee sting" and was pleasantly surprised to discover that I barely felt it (maybe it was all those wretched contractions that overwhelmed any other sensation?). The doctor assured me I'd done a great job, taped down the catheter in my back, and watched my blood pressure for a few minutes while the epidural took effect. I felt my legs slowly going numb, though I could still move them somewhat. Soon, I was really feeling good and felt sleepy, too, and the doctor was satisfied that all was well and I'd be comfortable until the pushing stage.

Sadly, that was not to be. To be continued...

Happy Anniversary, my Marty

Today is our first wedding anniversary! I would have been shocked to learn a year ago that on July 19, 2009, we'd be celebrating our first year of marriage with a 13-day-old son. And even though I've never been more exhausted in my life, I've also never been as happy. Of course, finding a diamond ring next to my French toast on my breakfast plate this morning may have launched me into a new stratosphere of happiness... Thank you for my anniversary present, Sweetheart, and thank you for a year of wedded bliss! Looking forward to many, many more. I love you!!!(p.s. -- I now owe everyone and his brother a return phone call or email. Please be patient with me as I slowly return to the world of communication from the Land of the Sleep Deprived!)

baby love

and the pictures start rolling in...

I was so completely out of it here, I don't even remember this picture being taken. This was about an hour or two post C-section and I was finally hopped up on drugs (more on that to come). I do remember the sound of the nurse wheeling his bassinet into the room and my heart flurrying in excitement to get to hold William for the first time -- I had only a brief encounter with him in the operating room and that was from the weird upside-down angle at that!

The morning after, getting ready to exchange hospital duds for cute clothes from home. Will is so intent here on finding Daddy's face that he did the adorable cross-eyed thing that infants do and it breaks your heart with preciousness...

Mama is finally dressed again herself and fully enjoying the "turtle butt" that all my nieces and nephews did, and I was so delighted to see my own son do! By the way, see any resemblance between mother and son? I was born with the very same shock of coal black hair.

Aunt Katie's favorite picture -- Will's first full day at home, breaking in all his baby goodies, like his cushy swing. He wasn't jaundiced but we were told that Vitamin K (D?) would be good for him (and all babies), so some sunshine would be in order. Fortunately for us, he really liked both -- the sunshine and the swing -- and sacked out right away!

That's all for now -- birth story coming soon, I promise. (I'm honestly a bit hesitant to re-live that day except for the one bright spot in it!)

Our son

~William Champion Conway~

Born to Marty and Becky on July 6, 2009 at 11:49 pm

8 pounds, 19 inches long

"The Lord is good to those who wait for Him..."~Lamentations 3:25

In the quiet

My house is silent. I can't bear the sound of the TV or the phone ringing. I'm even having a difficult time with the kid currently cleaning out his car in our apartment parking lot, jamming to his radio. Even my brain is seeking silence from itself. I received a box of ordered books from Barnes & Noble yesterday, and one of them is a novel that takes place in 16th-century England, my favorite era in time to escape to...yet I can only read a couple pages in a sitting before I have to give up on reading altogether. I'll start a crossword puzzle -- another favorite mental escape -- and I have to stop because I can't seem to focus on a silly puzzle, because I don't want to focus on it. I just want to sit in the quiet.

Without going into all the crazy details, we found out a couple days ago that William will be born either Monday or Tuesday of next week, depending on how well -- and how quickly -- his Mama's body responds to medicine. Fortunately, praise God, the details aren't too scary, and upping his birthday by a few days is really just a measure of precaution more than anything else. I have a doctor who finally, finally stepped up to the plate and got seriously involved in my healthcare, and boy did she ever. Yes, it's Dr. Pickler, after all. How ironic that she's the one who said, "Let's just get this baby here sooner rather than later, because I'm concerned." The concern I've received all along from my other two doctors, she pours on at the end. Life is funny that way -- now it's her I want to see on Monday morning. We see her again today, just to get checked one more time so we can all feel good/reassured about my status throughout the long holiday weekend. Mostly, we just need my BP to stay at least where it is, if not climb down a few points. If all is well, the next time we see Dr. Pickler is when she'll check me in the hospital on Monday, to see how well I'm progressing in my labor. I can hardly believe I just typed that.

And this is why I'm craving silence. Have you ever nurtured a dream your entire life? Have you ever, for the sake of sanity, had to relinquish that dream? Ever had to let it go because you had to face the reality that it would never be fulfilled? I have. I did. All I ever wanted, from the time I was old enough to dream, was to have a loving husband and sweet babies of my own. Everything else was always, only ever going to be icing on that cake.

I thought I had that cake, once upon a time. I thought I was working on it, at least. Then a few short years ago, I watched as it -- the cake, my life -- crumbled into a million pieces around me. I had no hope of creating a new one; survival was my only goal. Then astonishingly, I did -- I survived. Then, in the midst of achieving survival, I felt the whisper of Jesus Himself..."I came so that you might have life, and that you might have it more abundantly." Really, Lord? You mean me? Shouldn't I be punished for letting it all fall apart? Haven't I utterly failed? Don't I deserve to live out my days in isolation, feeling the weight of my failure? Surely you don't mean to bless me after all that has passed?

It is glorious to me to imagine the smile on my Lord's face as He heard these prayers, and then rubbed His hands together and got started showering me with blessings. First, He eased my mind about the things in the past, and gave me forgiveness for my errings and peace about the things that were not my fault. Then, after He'd healed my heart, He led me straight into the arms of my Marty. Here I am, nearly two years later, and I am still astounded at the gift I've been given. Never, never, never was a wife happier and more assured and more content in the love of a husband. In the words of Jane Eyre, "I am his life as fully as he is mine." I never thought to be able to experience such a depth of love; some days my heart could break at the power of it. I remember thinking, and saying aloud to Marty, if this is all I'm ever given, I am truly a woman blessed beyond measure. Then, miracle of miracles, the one dream I had been forced to abandon so long ago and had no hope of resurrecting...we had the promise of a child -- our child. And of course, I met this promise with all the fortitude of a leaf on a windy autumn day. Even after all the Lord had guided me through, I doubted His goodness. I thought, it's too good to be true, I won't be allowed to have all that I want in life, I won't get to have this shiny new cake (a loving husband AND a sweet baby?) that suddenly appeared before my eyes. Then, week after week after week, the Lord walked me through. I watched in amazement as my belly grew; I couldn't believe my eyes as I watched on a screen my little boy wiggle around inside me. I saw joy on my husband's face and felt it reflected in my own heart. Still, the reality didn't fully set in...

...Until this week, when Dr. Pickler said, "Let's have a baby on Monday." The reality didn't slowly sink in -- it landed on my brain with a thud! It is now real to me, very real to me. Like any first-time mommy, I'm facing down a good-sized mountain of fears about the whole experience, but eclipsing this, truly eclipsing this, is the sense of awe I feel at the Lord Jesus, the Creator and Provider of all perfect and beautiful things. That He would bestow on me my husband Marty, and then give us our sweet William. That at some time on Monday or Tuesday, I'm going to experience the fruition, the blossoming, the fulfillment of my little girl's dream.

So you can see why I need to sit in the quiet. Why I can't be distracted by silly, trivial things right now. Because I am sitting in awe of a MIGHTY GOD. Who loves me. Who has blessed me.

Praise God from Whom all blessings flow,

Praise Him all ye creatures here below!

Praise Him above ye heavenly host,

Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost! Amen!

Answers

Here are my answers thus far (but keep questions coming, this is nice and distracting!):

Katie asked me: Who is your favorite Muppet? Well, my dear sister, I think you might have guessed this one, and it is probably the easiest question I have ever answered (though certainly no one has bothered to ask me before!)...it's gotta be the great Miss Piggy. With her inimitable style, her OCD ways (obsess much over Kermie?), and her wicked sense of humor, she's a girl we can all identify with!

Kate asked me: If you had to choose a new field of study and work, what would it be? No regard to schooling cost or time. If you've seen the movie "Possession," I could probably explain it to you pretty easily...

I would be some kind of literary researcher in a great, grand museum in London somewhere, and I'd unearth extraordinary secrets and muck about England (with Marty) uncovering all the facts, and then I'd write a thrilling bestseller and make piles of money and just do it all over again with a new, unearthed secret. After taking a very long holiday in a villa on the Mediterranean with Marty.

Sarah asked me: If you could only listen to 5 cds, what would they be? Sarah gets the prize for asking the hardest question. Well, let me start off with a basic, 1) ABBA's Greatest Hits. That's just a no-brainer. ABBA is my favorite, favorite, favorite band of all time, and I could karaoke probably every hit song they produced. Marty could even tell you my favorite songs in order, starting with "Dancing Queen" (duh), and then "Take a Chance on Me" and moving further down the line...Their music just makes me happy! Hmm, then I'd have to include 2) John Denver's Greatest Hits. Don't judge me or tell me the 70's called and want their music back. Those songs remind me of the happiest times in my childhood, and I can hear my dad singing "Sunshine on My Shoulder" and "Annie's Song." His music comforts me. Another great comforting voice would have to be 3) Dolly Parton, and I'd need some kind of greatest hits compilation of hers, too. I just hear Dolly's voice and I know it's all going to be better. And when I'm in a light and happy mood, I sing "Love is Like a Butterfly" over and over. Perfect. Okay, then I'd have to have some gay British pop, which is probably one of my favorite subgenres, and the best of the best is, of course, 4) Erasure (POP! 20 Hits). Just like with John Denver, I have great memories of my sister Sarah and all these songs. Finally...gosh, this is REALLY hard...I think I'd have to cheat again and go with 5) some kind of compilation of praise and worship songs, like one of the WOW collections. Going through life and never hearing Amy Grant's "Lead Me On?" Or "In Christ Alone?" Or "Redeemer" by Nicole C. Mullen? No, I don't think so...those songs are mine!

Well, there they are, my answers in all their glory. Thanks girls, for submitting questions and giving me some lovely mental distraction (and thanks, Sarah, for letting me cheat a bit on my answers). All I can say further is, please send more! :)

Got questions?

I would love to answer them! I've seen a few girls do this on their blogs and I thought this would be fun while I'm trying to whittle away the last couple weeks of this pregnancy. Based on some things going on, our little man might be born around my 39th week, so I'm thinking and planning in terms of 2+ weeks to go, rather than 3+ weeks to go. It's exciting but of course, scary too! My hands are a little sweaty just typing that.

Anyway, ask me questions...and they don't have to be about pregnancy and such things, although I would welcome those, too!

Happy Monday!

a scare (long story and not for the weak of stomach)

Yesterday was a very bad day.

It all started on Saturday night into Sunday morning, when I woke myself up...whimpering! I had a blood vessel in the back of my head, on the right side, that was just throbbing. I have a history of migraines and I know exactly what they feel like, and this was simply not a migraine. I took Tylenol and went back to sleep, hoping to wake up feeling better. Well, I woke up feeling worse and took a Butalbital, which is the headache medicine I was given in second trimester when I had chronic tension headaches. After some food and coffee and then a long nap, I woke up feeling even worse. At this point I paged the doctor on-call at my OB/GYN's office, and sadly, got Dr. Pickler, our least favorite. I've sort of made peace with her, attributing her business-like attitude to strict professionalism, which is certainly respectable and a desirable trait in a doctor. However, sometimes you really just want to be listened to and cared about, professionalism be darned! Let's just say she didn't listen to me, didn't ask me any questions, acted extremely annoyed to be on the phone, and then told me to either go to the ER or keep taking Tylenol and call the office in the morning. What kind of options are those? To me, it was either "go bother someone else or bother me tomorrow." Ugh. Fortunately, after more sleep, I woke up feeling a wee bit better, even though I had an empty-head kind of feeling.

Then Sunday night into Monday morning, I had the same experience: woke myself up whimpering in pain. This time, not only was the blood vessel pounding and throbbing, but I'd also lost the hearing in my right ear! So as soon as the doctor's office opened on Monday, I called and pleaded with the front office staff to let me speak to a nurse ASAP, because I was having scary head pains and aches and I really needed help. Thank God the girl I spoke with was feeling sympathetic, because I had a nurse call me back within 10 minutes. I told the nurse what was going on, and she said, "let's not mess with appointments, just come on in." So I called Marty who raced home and picked me up, and we were in the office being seen by Dr. Hinton (our favorite) within the hour. I told Dr. Hinton the whole story and he started out by looking in my right ear, but he couldn't see anything because of too much gunk (sorry to be gross!). Then he touched my head and asked, "have you been running a fever?" And I had to confess that I didn't know, that I hadn't even thought to check. "Well you're burning up!" he told me, and had the nurse come in and take my temp, which was 100.1 degrees. Not too bad, but not good in a pregnant woman, for sure. Then Dr. Hinton started moving my head in different directions, and when he pushed my head back toward my spine, I had pain shoot down my spinal column, which he noticed when I flinched. He moved my head around again and then pushed back, and the pain was worse the second time. Dr. Hinton kind of made a face and left the room for a minute. When he came back in, he sat down on the stool and said, "Well, I'm sending you to the emergency room. I have a very real concern that you may have viral meningitis." I looked over and saw all the color leave Marty's face. Of course, this set off a rush of questions, but Dr. Hinton could only answer so many because he was going to hand me over to another, different set of experts.

So we walked out of the office and to the car, and I called my mom and I think I nearly scared her to death. I could tell she was extremely upset when I got off the phone with her, even though she was trying to hide it. So we showed up in the ER, only to have them send us to the Women's Center because of my obvious late-term pregnancy. We got to the Women's Center, only to have them tell us that we needed to go to the ER. By this time I was already losing patience -- my nerves were already fraying because of course, my head is still pounding at this point! -- so I told the Women's Center admin person that the hospital needed to figure out who would see me, and then someone needed to take me to that person because I wasn't going to keep walking around with a pounding headache and suspected meningitis. Sorry -- I needed to indulge in a bit of a diva moment! (I could tell my hubby thought this was pretty hilarious.) So I got wheeled back to the ER and was shown to a room about an hour later (and you all know how slow time progresses in a hospital, so it felt like 3 hours). After filling out paperwork and waiting another hour in my ER room, a nurse practitioner finally came in and asked me a million questions and told us she'd be working with an attending physician (who we never saw) on my case. She went ahead with the suspected diagnosis of viral meningitis and started all the testing. One of the first things she decided to do was have one of the nurses irrigate my ears, so she could get a good look at my inner ears. While one nurse, Tony, started on this, the other nurse, Rob, got started on my IV and bloodwork. Tony was quiet as he went about his business, but Rob was very talkative and very interested in my case. He offered all the insight he could give, then got my IV line going with absolutely no problems and no bleeding. I was duly impressed! Meanwhile, Tony got my left ear irrigated and my inner ear looked fine, so he moved on to my right ear. Here's where we're not exactly sure what happened: a) either Tony gave up because he encountered a mass in my ear canal, or b) Tony decided to finish later because it was time to take me to radiology for a CT scan of my brain. Anyway, off we went to radiology, and we met another great guy who was the CT technician. He had me sign a waiver form about how much radiation my unborn child would be exposed to (talk about guilty feelings as a parent, oh my GOSH), and then he got me settled on the table and piled lead blankets on top of my belly. At first this was okay, but as they scooted me back into the machine and I knew I'd have to lie still for 5 minutes, suddenly it dawned on me that I couldn't take a deep breath. Then just as suddenly, my little William started flipping out and trying to turn himself in any number of ways, and I realized he could feel all that weight on him and it was making him uncomfortable, too. At this point, I could barely breathe and I felt so bad for the 2 of us and I knew I was on the verge of tears, I started singing "Jesus Loves Me" in my head and praying, praying, praying that these horrible 5 minutes would pass immediately. Finally when I couldn't take it anymore, I cried out to the room in general, "I can't breathe!" The tech said, "oh we're done, I'm coming!" and rushed into the room and got the lead blankets off me and helped me sit up, and he realized that I was sweating and crying and breathing fast, so he got me a cold wet washcloth and got me wheeled back out to my husband as quickly as he could. I grabbed Marty's hand and said, "Look, this is just a headache. These people need to figure this out right now and stop torturing me and stop stressing out my baby!!!" My poor Marty, all he could do was comfort me and assure me that they'd figure it out as soon as they could. They wheeled me back to my ER room, and within a half-hour, my bloodwork and CT scan had all come back with negative/normal results. All along the plan had been to ultimately do a spinal tap on me, which is the definitive method for determining meningitis. However, Rob was the one who gave us the test results and right away he recommended against pursuing the spinal tap, since all my other tests were within normal parameters. Fine by me, I said, but what's causing the headache? Rob started to conjecture a bit and theorized that a hormonal shift in my body, due to labor being somewhat imminent for me, could be causing a very bad hormonal headache. Well, I wasn't buying, and I could tell Marty didn't believe it, either. Heck, I could tell Rob didn't quite believe it. So Rob left to get the nurse practitioner to come in and chat, and Marty got up to go update my mom. While he was on the phone with my mom, she asked him if anyone had ever finished irrigating my right ear. Marty said he wasn't sure, but he'd make sure it happened. Marty came back in and said to Rob, "did her right ear ever get looked at?" And Rob looked at it and could tell it wasn't fully irrigated yet, so he set about finishing the irrigation process (which hurts like the dickens, by the way, since they shoot a huge needle of cold water and hydrogen peroxide right into your ear canal). Finally Rob said he could see a mass plugging the canal, and finally he got it pulled out, and when he did so, I got immediately dizzy and nauseated and disoriented. Then he quick-looked at my ear and said with triumph, "There's your problem, baby-doll, that's the worst-looking inner ear infection I've ever seen!" This is apparently what happened...at some point on Saturday, my infected eardrum perforated and burst, and bled into some surrounding ear wax, causing a build-up of dried blood/fluid that plugged up my ear canal. Because of this mass, I didn't experience the normal dizziness/disorientation that occurs with an inner ear infection, because my tympanic membrane was being held nicely in place. However, this caused a massive headache, a fever, feelings of pressure in my neck, and of course, the loss of hearing in my right ear! Unfortunately for me, this so closely mimicked meningitis that it became the concern and the target of investigation. Unfortunate, in that it caused hours and hours of panic and fear and worry that I might have bacterial meningitis, which is beyond scary in all its implications; that I might have viral meningitis and be looking at an emergency C-section; or that I had something else equally scary and equally threatening to our unborn baby.

So...you can imagine the relief we felt when we got a very simple explanation for a mysterious headache. After a course of pregnancy-safe antibiotics for the infection and some ramped-up Tylenol for pain, I shall be good as gold and quite healthy when I go to deliver a baby in about 3-4 weeks. What a huge, huge relief!!!

Morals of the story:

1. You know your own body. If you have a gut feeling that something isn't right, keep demanding diagnostic procedures and tests until something is found. Several people tried to convince me that my headache was just a "different-feeling migraine." Um, what about that fever then? I knew, KNEW, this wasn't true. I knew something was off, something was different, something wasn't right. Keep the medical staff attending you on their toes until they find something! Believe your instincts!
2. Don't let a doctor blow you off. Go to a different doctor, even in the same practice. Don't worry about ruffling feathers.
3. Stay as calm as you can, even in the face of truly frightening scenarios. Pray, pray, pray. Jesus is near!