All you need is love

Nice sentiment, Paul, John, Ringo, and George, but it couldn't be more false.

The past 2 months have been the hardest of my life. I have been sick before, but never for an extended period of time, and never like this. I have battled nausea and fatigue nearly every moment of every day. As I tell Marty, if every pregnancy were like this, the world would be filled with "only" children.

One of the hardest parts has been the absolute loss of energy. I can't seem to do anything I need to do, let alone anything I enjoy doing. Gone are the days of sipping good coffee, reading books in bed after Will is asleep, going out to dinner with my little family. Instead, if I'm not working, chances are I'm in bed, sleeping or zoning in front of the TV. I eat meals in there, play with Puppy in there, even work in there when I can. The only thing I have managed to keep doing is feeding, bathing, and rocking Will. I refuse to give up these "tasks" because they help to nourish and heal me. I adore being a mommy and I can't lose sight of why I'm going through all this.

Along with the sickness and loss of energy, though, has come a dependence on the care and help of my husband. This is truly difficult for me because I'm a nurturer at heart. I want to be the one taking care of someone, anticipating needs and providing comfort. Instead, I have become the unwilling but oh-so-grateful recipient of Marty's care.

I believe not only that everything happens for a reason, but that things happen for multiple reasons. God is a multi-tasker! This period of illness has taught me to pray for strength. It has given me new perspective on priorities. It has taught me, even in the midst of horrible discomfort, to be grateful for the wee baby that I'm carrying, because I remember all too well the pain of not being pregnant when I wanted to be. But most of all, this illness has taught me what a beautiful marriage looks like when "in sickness and in health" becomes reality.

From the beginning, Marty and I have always enjoyed passion, interest, companionship, and of course, love in our relationship. But it's not all you need. When the hard times come, you absolutely must have patience, kindness, compassion, humility, self-sacrifice, and a keen sense of humor. Every single day, my husband shows me these things. He is tireless and uncomplaining in all the things he does to care for me and Will. In short, he has taught me more about a loving marriage in the last 2 months than in all our time together thus far.

My Marty, I love you so much. You'll never know how grateful I am for your generous love toward me and your undying patience. I'm in awe that I get to have you for my very own, for all time.

(sorry for the blurry picture but our digital camera died and all we have is Marty's trusty iPhone! I was pregnant in this picture but didn't know it yet. That glow soon turned green!)

This, too, shall pass

That's my mantra these days. I tell myself this constantly, as I struggle to get out of bed, as I struggle to eat, as I struggle to get a load of laundry done. Life with this second pregnancy has become one big struggle.

Since some people want to know and since I don't mind sharing, no, we weren't planning this pregnancy, at least not this soon. But, here we are, expecting our second baby in August of 2010. Yes, that nearly makes Will and his little brother or sister "Irish twins" (kiddos born within 12 months of each other), but not quite. However, with the Irish last name Conway, we've certainly taken our fair share of teasing. Lots of people have given us the "You know how this happens, right?" which is my least favorite. Thank you, yes, we know. Brilliant joke, truly hysterical.

Anyway, we went to see Dr. Pickler last week and she did an ultrasound and found that our wee little one is growing perfectly and right on track, with a heart rate of 159 bpm. It was absolutely crazy to be back in her office, back on the table, looking at a monitor showing a teeny-tiny baby. Sometimes, waking up in my new place and with this new knowledge, I feel completely lost for a few minutes. Like a wise friend once said, "You have to find the new normal." I'm still looking for it. If you see my new normal, will you send it in my general direction?

Dr. Pickler also prescribed me an anti-nausea medicine called Zofran. I take it every 12 hours and haven't missed a dose yet; I utterly depend on it. It doesn't completely eliminate the nausea, but it does take the edge off. I was never, ever this ill with William. I had queasiness, certainly, sensitivity to smells, fatigue, all that stuff, but never this kind of debilitating sickness. There are smells I absolutely can't stand -- even my kitchen countertops. They are a custom concrete with a polyurethane finish, and for some reason, I can SMELL that darned polyurethane finish and it makes me want to be sick to smell it. You can imagine how many dishes I've done lately. Oh, and coffee. The smell of coffee makes me want to run for the hills. Oh coffee, my old friend. Sometimes I think I'll never see you again.

So here I am, popping Zofran and fighting sleep every waking moment (one of Zofran's lovely side effects). I hold my nose while I feed Will his baby food, and especially while I change his diapers. I live off of cinnamon toast, tomato soup, and the magnificent kindness of my husband, who takes care of us every single moment he's at home. He sends me to bed and brings me Sprite, and rubs my back and holds me when I can't stop crying in frustration.

I'm not in a good way. Don't get me wrong, I'm absolutely thankful for this second child, and I know I'll be excited once second trimester (and its blessed relief) comes along, but right now...right now I'm struggling. I could use prayers and babysitting and meals for my husband, but mostly just prayers. I pray constantly for God's strength because I have none of my own. And I constantly tell myself, this, too, shall pass.

a scare (long story and not for the weak of stomach)

Yesterday was a very bad day.

It all started on Saturday night into Sunday morning, when I woke myself up...whimpering! I had a blood vessel in the back of my head, on the right side, that was just throbbing. I have a history of migraines and I know exactly what they feel like, and this was simply not a migraine. I took Tylenol and went back to sleep, hoping to wake up feeling better. Well, I woke up feeling worse and took a Butalbital, which is the headache medicine I was given in second trimester when I had chronic tension headaches. After some food and coffee and then a long nap, I woke up feeling even worse. At this point I paged the doctor on-call at my OB/GYN's office, and sadly, got Dr. Pickler, our least favorite. I've sort of made peace with her, attributing her business-like attitude to strict professionalism, which is certainly respectable and a desirable trait in a doctor. However, sometimes you really just want to be listened to and cared about, professionalism be darned! Let's just say she didn't listen to me, didn't ask me any questions, acted extremely annoyed to be on the phone, and then told me to either go to the ER or keep taking Tylenol and call the office in the morning. What kind of options are those? To me, it was either "go bother someone else or bother me tomorrow." Ugh. Fortunately, after more sleep, I woke up feeling a wee bit better, even though I had an empty-head kind of feeling.

Then Sunday night into Monday morning, I had the same experience: woke myself up whimpering in pain. This time, not only was the blood vessel pounding and throbbing, but I'd also lost the hearing in my right ear! So as soon as the doctor's office opened on Monday, I called and pleaded with the front office staff to let me speak to a nurse ASAP, because I was having scary head pains and aches and I really needed help. Thank God the girl I spoke with was feeling sympathetic, because I had a nurse call me back within 10 minutes. I told the nurse what was going on, and she said, "let's not mess with appointments, just come on in." So I called Marty who raced home and picked me up, and we were in the office being seen by Dr. Hinton (our favorite) within the hour. I told Dr. Hinton the whole story and he started out by looking in my right ear, but he couldn't see anything because of too much gunk (sorry to be gross!). Then he touched my head and asked, "have you been running a fever?" And I had to confess that I didn't know, that I hadn't even thought to check. "Well you're burning up!" he told me, and had the nurse come in and take my temp, which was 100.1 degrees. Not too bad, but not good in a pregnant woman, for sure. Then Dr. Hinton started moving my head in different directions, and when he pushed my head back toward my spine, I had pain shoot down my spinal column, which he noticed when I flinched. He moved my head around again and then pushed back, and the pain was worse the second time. Dr. Hinton kind of made a face and left the room for a minute. When he came back in, he sat down on the stool and said, "Well, I'm sending you to the emergency room. I have a very real concern that you may have viral meningitis." I looked over and saw all the color leave Marty's face. Of course, this set off a rush of questions, but Dr. Hinton could only answer so many because he was going to hand me over to another, different set of experts.

So we walked out of the office and to the car, and I called my mom and I think I nearly scared her to death. I could tell she was extremely upset when I got off the phone with her, even though she was trying to hide it. So we showed up in the ER, only to have them send us to the Women's Center because of my obvious late-term pregnancy. We got to the Women's Center, only to have them tell us that we needed to go to the ER. By this time I was already losing patience -- my nerves were already fraying because of course, my head is still pounding at this point! -- so I told the Women's Center admin person that the hospital needed to figure out who would see me, and then someone needed to take me to that person because I wasn't going to keep walking around with a pounding headache and suspected meningitis. Sorry -- I needed to indulge in a bit of a diva moment! (I could tell my hubby thought this was pretty hilarious.) So I got wheeled back to the ER and was shown to a room about an hour later (and you all know how slow time progresses in a hospital, so it felt like 3 hours). After filling out paperwork and waiting another hour in my ER room, a nurse practitioner finally came in and asked me a million questions and told us she'd be working with an attending physician (who we never saw) on my case. She went ahead with the suspected diagnosis of viral meningitis and started all the testing. One of the first things she decided to do was have one of the nurses irrigate my ears, so she could get a good look at my inner ears. While one nurse, Tony, started on this, the other nurse, Rob, got started on my IV and bloodwork. Tony was quiet as he went about his business, but Rob was very talkative and very interested in my case. He offered all the insight he could give, then got my IV line going with absolutely no problems and no bleeding. I was duly impressed! Meanwhile, Tony got my left ear irrigated and my inner ear looked fine, so he moved on to my right ear. Here's where we're not exactly sure what happened: a) either Tony gave up because he encountered a mass in my ear canal, or b) Tony decided to finish later because it was time to take me to radiology for a CT scan of my brain. Anyway, off we went to radiology, and we met another great guy who was the CT technician. He had me sign a waiver form about how much radiation my unborn child would be exposed to (talk about guilty feelings as a parent, oh my GOSH), and then he got me settled on the table and piled lead blankets on top of my belly. At first this was okay, but as they scooted me back into the machine and I knew I'd have to lie still for 5 minutes, suddenly it dawned on me that I couldn't take a deep breath. Then just as suddenly, my little William started flipping out and trying to turn himself in any number of ways, and I realized he could feel all that weight on him and it was making him uncomfortable, too. At this point, I could barely breathe and I felt so bad for the 2 of us and I knew I was on the verge of tears, I started singing "Jesus Loves Me" in my head and praying, praying, praying that these horrible 5 minutes would pass immediately. Finally when I couldn't take it anymore, I cried out to the room in general, "I can't breathe!" The tech said, "oh we're done, I'm coming!" and rushed into the room and got the lead blankets off me and helped me sit up, and he realized that I was sweating and crying and breathing fast, so he got me a cold wet washcloth and got me wheeled back out to my husband as quickly as he could. I grabbed Marty's hand and said, "Look, this is just a headache. These people need to figure this out right now and stop torturing me and stop stressing out my baby!!!" My poor Marty, all he could do was comfort me and assure me that they'd figure it out as soon as they could. They wheeled me back to my ER room, and within a half-hour, my bloodwork and CT scan had all come back with negative/normal results. All along the plan had been to ultimately do a spinal tap on me, which is the definitive method for determining meningitis. However, Rob was the one who gave us the test results and right away he recommended against pursuing the spinal tap, since all my other tests were within normal parameters. Fine by me, I said, but what's causing the headache? Rob started to conjecture a bit and theorized that a hormonal shift in my body, due to labor being somewhat imminent for me, could be causing a very bad hormonal headache. Well, I wasn't buying, and I could tell Marty didn't believe it, either. Heck, I could tell Rob didn't quite believe it. So Rob left to get the nurse practitioner to come in and chat, and Marty got up to go update my mom. While he was on the phone with my mom, she asked him if anyone had ever finished irrigating my right ear. Marty said he wasn't sure, but he'd make sure it happened. Marty came back in and said to Rob, "did her right ear ever get looked at?" And Rob looked at it and could tell it wasn't fully irrigated yet, so he set about finishing the irrigation process (which hurts like the dickens, by the way, since they shoot a huge needle of cold water and hydrogen peroxide right into your ear canal). Finally Rob said he could see a mass plugging the canal, and finally he got it pulled out, and when he did so, I got immediately dizzy and nauseated and disoriented. Then he quick-looked at my ear and said with triumph, "There's your problem, baby-doll, that's the worst-looking inner ear infection I've ever seen!" This is apparently what happened...at some point on Saturday, my infected eardrum perforated and burst, and bled into some surrounding ear wax, causing a build-up of dried blood/fluid that plugged up my ear canal. Because of this mass, I didn't experience the normal dizziness/disorientation that occurs with an inner ear infection, because my tympanic membrane was being held nicely in place. However, this caused a massive headache, a fever, feelings of pressure in my neck, and of course, the loss of hearing in my right ear! Unfortunately for me, this so closely mimicked meningitis that it became the concern and the target of investigation. Unfortunate, in that it caused hours and hours of panic and fear and worry that I might have bacterial meningitis, which is beyond scary in all its implications; that I might have viral meningitis and be looking at an emergency C-section; or that I had something else equally scary and equally threatening to our unborn baby.

So...you can imagine the relief we felt when we got a very simple explanation for a mysterious headache. After a course of pregnancy-safe antibiotics for the infection and some ramped-up Tylenol for pain, I shall be good as gold and quite healthy when I go to deliver a baby in about 3-4 weeks. What a huge, huge relief!!!

Morals of the story:

1. You know your own body. If you have a gut feeling that something isn't right, keep demanding diagnostic procedures and tests until something is found. Several people tried to convince me that my headache was just a "different-feeling migraine." Um, what about that fever then? I knew, KNEW, this wasn't true. I knew something was off, something was different, something wasn't right. Keep the medical staff attending you on their toes until they find something! Believe your instincts!
2. Don't let a doctor blow you off. Go to a different doctor, even in the same practice. Don't worry about ruffling feathers.
3. Stay as calm as you can, even in the face of truly frightening scenarios. Pray, pray, pray. Jesus is near!

the April list

*New categories!*

Okay, I'm sure this excites no one else but me. I think of my blog as the closest thing I'm capable of keeping as far as a personal journal goes, so I wanted my monthly list to capture just a wee bit more than what it had been. So here goes!

*new* What we're watching: American Idol, and for me, because of Adam Lambert!

Um, could I love this kid any more than I do??? He was my favorite from the very beginning (don't believe me? Ask my husband -- I picked him out long before he made any of the big cuts!). I love his adorably punk self, with the black nails and spiked hair and earrings. You better believe it. I keep telling Marty that he's this amazing combination of Freddie Mercury, Steve Perry, and Barry Gibb! Oh, the falsetto he can achieve! The only reason I'm really watching American Idol these days is to catch my 5 minutes of Adam Lambert, because the crazily greedy people at the network CHARGE you on iTunes just to catch the latest competition songs. How stupid is that? Anyway, whether he wins or not (and personally, he really doesn't HAVE any competition up there), I know he's going on to have a great career, and Marty has already promised me concert tickets and CDs when they come out! Honestly, it's not just his extraordinary talent that has captured my attention. He is the only contestant who always acknowledges his back-up vocalists and band performers. He is actually quite humble and gracious for a kid who's a total rock star!!! I heart you, Adam Lambert!

We're also watching The Office (last night's episode had to be the best one ever -- Jim is always the hero!) and 30 Rock, as usual. The Thursday night line-up is really the only thing we consistently watch besides American Idol. Usually we're Food Network and HGTV junkies.

What I'm reading: I've been a reading fiend this month -- perhaps I know it's because my time is running out to devote hours upon hours to books??? I can tell my son one day that ONLY for him would Mommy have ever given up her book time!

1) A Reliable Wife, by Robert Goolrick. I finished this one a couple weeks ago, and wow, this was a sexy book! However, the sexiness was intrinsically tied to the plot, and I can't say anymore without revealing too much, but if you like thrillers/mysteries with great characters, and you don't mind a certain degree of sensual content, this is a great book for you. There is a major plot twist that I had to read 3 times to be sure I understood the revelation!

2) Mommywood, by one of my favorite celebrities (don't judge me, even deep, complex people can have favorite celebrities, in my humble opinion!), Ms. Tori Spelling! Kids, this girl cracks me up. She has one of the most unique perspectives on Hollywood and all the glitz and glamour, because she was raised in such a privileged way, but has been self-reliant her entire adult life (her mother is a real piece of work). She is so honest and her sense of humor is right up my alley. And I loved reading about her experiences with motherhood, for those very reasons -- she's brutally honest and laughs at all her misadventures along the way (the poop in the pool incident was hysterical). Fluffy to the extreme, but I highly recommend it.

3) Finally, Marty and I are sort of co-reading this Smart Guide to the Book of Revelation by Daymond Duck and Larry Richards. I guess you could say I'm a (very?) amateur theologian, because I love understanding the Bible and church history and apologetics, and though I'm pretty well-versed (get it?) in some areas (I could teach Genesis), I'm quite woefully ignorant in others (uh, Revelation). So far, I am really getting into it. I now know the significance of the seven angels, seven letters, seven lampstands, etc. And I love how the book (Revelation) is written -- so much parallelism and great imagery. Of course, when I get further into it, I might really be ready to pull my hair out because I know it gets pretty difficult the deeper you go. But Marty and I are having fun reading this and discussing. We come from such different viewpoints: I believe in the Rapture and I'm a sold-out Millenialist, whereas he was raised not believing in the Rapture and is quite a-Millenialist. So this book is prompting all kinds of discussion in our home! One of our favorite things to do is have a down-and-dirty theological debate. How nerdy are we?

What we're spending on: A cradle, probably something like this one.Thing is, I HATE the rollers/casters. I'm sure they're practical for putting the baby down for a nap in various rooms throughout the day (so it serves you, rather than you being a slave to its location), but we'd be opting for a cradle over a bassinet anyway because of the aesthetic. I just can't get into the frilly, fluffy, bells-and-whistles bassinets. They look cheap and ugly to me! Anyway, I love the classic look of a cradle, but I'm going to see if those casters come OFF before I buy! Or I'll just get used to it and somewhere around the middle of July be thankful that the cradle can roll around!

What we're saving for: The pay-off of my labor & delivery bill. I never knew you had to make payments on these things loooong before you have your first contraction! Or is it just my screwy insurance? I don't know, but heavens-to-Betsy, it feels weird making payments on something that won't happen for 11 weeks yet, and especially so, considering my mind gets all fuzzy when I start thinking of how everything's going to go down...I think my mind goes into self-protection mode, like, "don't think about it yet, Becky! Too scary just now!"

What I need to do: File all my paperwork for maternity leave (yee-haw!). Get a couple more outfits/dresses for business trip/baby shower in May. Learn the ins and outs of nursing bras and invest in a few (here's where nursing moms, past and present, give me all kinds of advice on brands, etc.). Move my office downstairs, set up nursery in current office (this is going to be no SMALL task).

What I'm thinking about: God's providential care. He keeps working things out in my life, more perfectly than I could have planned or dreamed. One of these days I'm going to actually learn to trust Him implicitly.

What I'm working on: You guessed it. Evil Storage Room. It really is a monstrous project, and while we are making progress, it seems like the chore that will not die.

*new* Things I've learned this month: 1) That you're supposed to have 3 sets of sheets for every bed in your home: one on the bed, one in the laundry, and one clean and folded, waiting in the closet. I'm pretty sure I got this handy advice from House Beautiful (magazine). 2) That sometimes colds last longer than 7-10 days. I still can't hear out of my left ear. 3) That I'm sick to death of "going green" ads and commercials and shows and articles and just get out of my face about the environment already!!! One of my magazines last month told me to stop using Windex, paper towels, bottled water, the list went on and ON. Of course I don't want to trash our planet, but for heaven's sake, I'm going to wipe down dirty mirrors with Windex and paper towels and then take a nice big slug from an Evian when I'm done, thank you very much, if that's what I WANT to do! We don't live in a communist country (yet).

What I'm happy about: May is just around the corner, and we're so busy that month, that before I blink, June will be here and we're hoping to take a quick little "babymoon" if we can afford it. I plan on doing NOTHING the month of June and just enjoying the last few weeks of having my hubby all to myself, before we embark on the grand adventure of parenthood!

That's it for now. Happy weekend everyone! It's going to be in 80s all weekend here, and Evil Storage Room notwithstanding, we're going to spend time outside!!!

Viral infection, Day 9

When I went to see my doctor (OB/GYN; because apparently PCPs don't want to treat you if you're pregnant, who knew?) last week about the worst cold ever, he ran a strep test (which was negative) and looked down my throat, in my ears, etc. He pronounced me sick with a virus and recommended TheraFlu, sleep, and fluids. He also told me I'd "probably feel miserable for 7-10 days." Well, Dr. Hinton, here I am on Day 9, and I'm still sniffly, sneezy, and stuffed up, not to mention the fact that I haven't been able to hear out of my left ear for 2 solid days. And "miserable" doesn't really come close. All I did all weekend, besides completely wear myself out with a 2-hour trip to WalMart, was sleep. Or lie on the couch in a semi-comatose state. Because I have no energy to do anything else! Meanwhile, my laundry is piling up and my to-do list has begun mocking me. I have exactly 2 weeks until I start an extremely busy week/weekend in Indiana, with a 3-day business trip, immediately followed by my baby shower on May 9th. I have to be up to snuff to focus on my work and all the meetings I'll be in, and of course I want to feel good so I can enjoy seeing so many loved ones at my baby shower!

I've heard that "every pregnancy has its cold" but this cold is threatening to stick around for the duration, or at least it seems so. I actually felt better on Friday but I should have known it was just the eye of the storm, teasing me with a brief reprieve.

Anyway, here I sit, on Day 9, having exhausted 3 boxes of Kleenex and living in fear that my son will be born addicted to Tylenol. I'm getting ready to go make another pot of decaf Earl Grey tea and hope I can concentrate on my work for this afternoon.

I'm getting desperate to feel better! Does anyone have any pregnancy-safe suggestions for kicking a cold to the curb, once and for all?

under the weather

I have lots of tales and pictures to share from the last week and our trip to Mississippi, but those will have to wait for a couple days.

I am currently sneezing and sniffling and going through Kleenex like crazy. It hurts to talk, swallow, even breathe. My eyes are red and watery from fever and sinus pressure. The worst part is that my OB/GYN's office won't just call me in a prescription. Nooooo -- make the sick pregnant girl get out of her jammies just to come into the office, say "ahh," and be told what she already knows to be true: it's a raging sinus infection and I need an antibiotic. I'm 32 years old and I've had at least a dozen sinus infections in my time; seriously, this is not rocket science, nor anything requiring a doctor's time and my energy (what little I have) to diagnose. Can you tell I'm a little bit bitter? (Especially since I called yesterday and they ignored me until 5 pm last night, and are only just squeezing me in today! Apparently you have to be in labor to get any attention from an OB/GYN's office.)

In the meantime, I'm trying to work and meet a deadline, all the while I'm longing for my pillow and comforter and the bliss of sleep. And Panera's baked potato soup. Hopefully I'll be in a better state and better spirits soon!