Indiana wants me

For all my Hoosier friends and family, Marty and Will and I will be hitting the road this evening, bound for Indy. I have NO IDEA how this is going to go. We're breaking up the journey by stopping in Lexington, KY, tonight, so as not to push our little son past his limits (but what are those limits? We don't even know!).

The goal is to see my grandfather for his 87th birthday and to introduce him to his newest great-grandson. And also so that Will's Nanna can have more time with him, since she practically cries on the phone when she hears him cooing and making all his other baby noises. And so my Mama can fix me a cup of tea, and I can sit at her kitchen table and feel that all is right with the world.

We don't have any other agenda besides probably visiting Josh & Jen's church on Sunday (sorry, y'all, I can't remember the name of your church!), but if you want to visit Orchard Lane while we're in town, give my cell phone a buzz.

Wish us Godspeed on this (reckless? foolish? new-parent-crazy?) trip of ours!

A year ago today...

...I started this blog, my journey toward A Peaceful Life. I want to take a minute to remember all that has transpired in this year:

1. Marty and I celebrated the 1-year anniversary of being matched on eHarmony. Though we'll never do a commercial (you wouldn't believe the numbers of people who tell us to do so), we will forever be grateful for this 21st-century way of meeting that someone special, and for that unique blend of magic (divine perhaps?) that eHarmony offers.
2. My parents gave us a wedding reception in Indiana.
3. We celebrated the onset of autumn with Leslie.
4. We found out we were expecting a baby!!!
5. I fulfilled a life-long dream of visiting the Big Apple, and enjoyed it so much, even though I was battling some heinous morning sickness!
6. We discovered, much to our surprise, that we were having a BOY!
7. I was able to visit my favorite city, Charleston, SC, twice! Once for a girl's weekend with Leslie and Christa, and once to have a babymoon with Marty.
8. I enjoyed 3 baby showers, one in Mississippi, one in Indiana, and one in Tennessee.
9. We had a 3-D/4-D ultrasound and saw our little William.
10. And then finally, finally, finally, our son was born!
11. We celebrated our first-year anniversary, and my amazing husband surprised me with a diamond ring!

It would be silly to say that I handled all of the above with the peace that I so deeply long for, but I can be honest and say that I try to achieve that peace in every moment, or at least that I want to always be trying for it. It's a process, though, and sometimes I just utterly fail (like during labor, and to be frank, during these postpartum days). But because life is so very, very precious, it's my goal to be ever-conscious of the value of each moment, and to cherish each moment with peaceful gratitude. Here's to another year of doing so, or at least trying!

The must-haves

Oh the things I need!

(Will's now-famous "oh" face)

Yes, still avoiding the second half of the birth story...but in the meantime, I wanted to write down for the sake of expecting friends and my own future reference those things that have been indispensable to me in my first weeks of motherhood.

The Swaddle Designs Ultimate Swaddling blanket. (You can see Will's in the picture above.) I want 10 of these but right now have just the one, and use it night and day. It's the perfect size and weight and softness.

The Boppy. We received the Boppy "bare naked" pillow and a slipcover, and have since bought another Boppy (one for upstairs; one for downstairs) and 2 more slipcovers. I simply couldn't do without these pillows (and the slipcovers since breastmilk and spit-up are quite inevitable) -- they help my back and keep Will at the right height and angle for nursing. I know some women don't like them but I just LOVE them.Soothies. I was unsure about using pacifiers but then motherhood (a.k.a., reality, hits and you find yourself in need of something to comfort the baby for 5 minutes while you change a diaper or whatever) and Will just loves these. In fact, he prefers them to other pacifiers. Maybe it's because you can stick your finger in the nipple to hold it in place? I don't know the magic of Soothies, I just know they work.

My glider. My parents bought us this Dutailier glider and ottoman, and it has saved my sanity at 3 a.m. feedings because it's so comfortable and warm and cozy; it's the next best thing to actually being in bed. In other words, it takes the edge off having to be awake at 3 a.m.! Even if you don't want to spring for the Dutailier, I highly recommend having a glider of some kind. Beg, borrow, or steal one of these!

A Medela breast pump. My BF Kate told me a handful of times prior to Will's birth to just go ahead and get one, but I kept balking at the expense. Then I had a baby who wanted to be fed constantly, sometimes every hour throughout the night, and I just couldn't keep up anymore. My OB finally talked me into it, telling me I would recover much faster if I could get more sleep, and to let the Daddy take a couple of nighttime feedings with a bottle of pumped milk. Probably more than any other item, this breast pump has saved my life! And while I know you can get cheaper manual pumps, I am now getting 6 ounces of milk from my pump within about 10-15 minutes, and that's a precious amount of time to sacrifice with a newborn on-hand, so I can't imagine needing to use 30-60 minutes with a manual!

An excellent Daddy. Oh my goodness, where would I be without my Marty? Even though he must get up for work every day, he will still take one feeding at night for me so I can get more than 2 hours of uninterrupted sleep.

You will laugh, but...Ina Garten. Yes, it's true. She's an essential baby-care item, because she's an essential Mama-care item. I've always really liked her, but for some reason, her show gives me an inordinate amount of comfort, and I watch both airings on Food Network every day. I will even try to arrange naps and feedings around the shows so I can watch her and get a television version of a hug.

I interrupt this birth story...

...to share that I've lost all 25 pounds I put on during pregnancy (in 18 days???). I'm officially at my pre-pregnancy weight!

So here's my question -- why do I still look about 12 weeks pregnant? And I keep forgetting to ask my OB when I can gently work out again (post C-section) because my belly muscles are SO SORE, I'm loath to do a darn thing to them. And when do the stretch marks start to fade?

I could use answers/advice on these things. And...go.

All's Will That Ends Will: Birth Story, Part 1

As I was preparing to leave the hospital last Thursday, my mom was blow-drying my hair for me and I was musing over the events of the previous 4 days, when this version of the famous Shakespearean phrase popped into my head. Maybe it was the drugs still pumping through my system or maybe it was my fallback sense of humor about scary things that prompted it, but when I had this thought I burst out into giggles and could barely get out through the hysterical laughing, "All's Will that ends Will, Mom!"

And how true it is. Prepare yourself; I'm including lots of details (icky ones also) and it's a pretty long story. Hey -- it was a pretty LONG day!

There's some forestory to the actual story, but I haven't the mental energy to go into all that, for right now, at least. So I'll start with Monday morning, July 6, at 4 AM. The alarm went off, signaling the end of a very fitful night of sleep on my part. We were scheduled to be at the hospital at 6 AM for an induction, following a couple weeks of slowly worsening pre-preeclampsia symptoms (yes, apparently, there is such a thing -- as my doctor put it, "you're on the path"). Dr. Pickler wanted to avoid having me toxic-sick as I went into labor, so the induction was the appropriate choice, and even after all that ended up happening on Monday, I stand by that choice! Anyway, I heard my parents and sister Katie stirring downstairs while Marty started coffee and I jumped in the shower, hands shaking with excited, nervous energy. I couldn't believe the day had actually, finally arrived. Nine months really does begin to feel like ninety months near the end! Despite how early we got up, we ended up running late and I was throwing things into my suitcase when my Kate called me (she was up nursing her own sweet babe at that hour) to wish me well and to give me her love. It was my first favorite memory of the day, and even though I had to rush off the phone, it put such warmth in my heart that I'll never, ever forget it. Thank you, my Kate. Then we hauled all our necessities downstairs -- it looked like I was going on a vacation instead of checking into the hospital! -- and it was time for a quick swallow of my Mama's blueberry muffins and some picture-taking and then we were out the door and on our way. We arrived about 20 minutes late, but I figured since they couldn't start without me, it probably wouldn't be too big of a deal.

Me at 39 weeks, 2 days, on the morning of the induction

The first hour was all administrative stuff. We got assigned our room and then I signed form after form after form, most of which I was too distracted to read properly. I hope I didn't sign away anything valuable...! We also had a quick meeting with the anesthesiologist, and I assured her I'd definitely be wanting her services at some point that day. Then our nurses came on duty at 7 AM and we met the two Rachels. Rachel #1 was a nurse around my age and was mentoring Rachel #2 (fresh out of school, it seemed) through all the procedures, so Rachel #1 really took her time and did things carefully, which I very much appreciated. They were both such sweet girls that I forgave Rachel #1 for a well-placed but painfully done IV -- it made my toes curl, it hurt so bad! At that point I thought, Becky, you can't be a wimp today! Buck up girl!

Then I got changed into my gown and around 8:00, the Rachels hooked me up to a big, fat bag of Pitocin, assuring me since they had to start me on a slow drip, I probably wouldn't feel the effects anytime soon. Then I just sat in bed and chatted with my family until Dr. Pickler arrived around 8:30 to get the show on the road. She checked me and said I was "an almost 2" centimeters, and that she'd like to break my water. I'd decided beforehand that I wanted an epidural before my water was broken, because I knew from the experiences of others that without that bag of water in place, contractions feel about 100 times more intense! I shared this concern with Dr. Pickler and she told me that while she understood my fear, that if I didn't have my water broken, "I could sit on a bag of Pitocin for 2 days with little or no progress" and it was simply too early to get the epidural. Well, I was there to have a baby, dangit, so I didn't want to entertain any notions of little or no progress (oh the irony of THAT...read on). So, I said, "Let's do it, Dr. Pickler." Thus began attempt #1 to break my water. And let me tell you, I used every focusing/breathing technique IN THE BOOK to get through it. Apparently, my cervix was really high and even after much effort, Dr. Pickler -- "a seasoned water-breaker from way back" -- was unable to break my water. That was frustrating, especially since it hurt like the dickens to get through it and gained me nothing! Dr. Pickler then had to leave to do office hours, but told me she'd be back at lunch to try again and that I could happily dilate on my Pitocin drip until she returned. I promised her I'd do my best.

I can't remember when -- around 10:30 AM? -- I started feeling the contractions. The Rachels had slowly upped my Pitocin drip until I was really taking in quite a bit by mid-morning. By this time, also, I'd been assigned a new nurse who'd be with me throughout the day, until the shift ended at 7 PM. This angel's name was Shannon and I don't think I could have asked for a better nurse: she was kind, attentive, sweet, and funny, and took me SERIOUSLY on every point. She was with me during the failed water-breaking attempt #1 and didn't let me get discouraged about it. Anyway, around 11 AM, I told Shannon that I was beginning to get interested in a painkiller of some kind. Now, I was using all my breathing techniques, plus using all my courage and energy to get through the contractions, but it must be said I was on a monster-drip of Pitocin and the stuff ain't kind. Relentless is more like it! So Shannon checked me and said I was pretty much dilated to 3 (I guess they round up?) and I could have an injection of Staidol (I have no idea how this is spelled) to take off the edge until I was more inclined to get the epidural, which for some reason I was still rejecting at this point, thinking it was just too early. She also told me I could have a Staidol injection once an hour, every hour, and that it wouldn't interfere at all with my epidural if I suddenly decided I wanted that, too. Essentially, she didn't have to twist my arm and I felt better as soon as the stuff went into my IV. I felt much more comfortable and even started to doze for awhile. I stayed this way, taking Staidol injections and dozing, until around 1 PM, when Dr. Pickler came back. Right away we started water-breaking attempt #2, and it did not go well. Dr. Pickler had to try 3 different "instruments" (I can't even go there trying to describe the medieval torture devices they keep on hand for poor laboring mothers) and I lost count on how many times she tried. At one point, she sat back, put her hand on my knee, and said "God's trying to tell me something but I don't know what that is." I just looked at her and said, "He's telling you to keep trying because I'm on board here! I want to DO this! Keep going!" Dr. Pickler just looked at me with a half-smile and said something about my determination, and I said something back like, you better believe it!!! I told her, just do what you have to do, don't worry about me, and let's get it done. So, she tried again and I could tell she was not being as considerate of my pain threshold this time, which I oddly appreciated, but like I said, I wanted her to get it done. And with that, it was done -- I felt the gush of water and Shannon, Dr. Pickler, Marty, and I all clapped and celebrated. My first success of the day! Shannon then got me comfortable and settled and Dr. Pickler left, telling me to try not to have the baby before she could get back after 5 PM. We all smiled, especially me, genuinely thinking this was an outlier possibility, at least.

The first 5-10 minutes post-water-breaking, I thought, Hey, this isn't too bad. Then about 15 minutes into it, I started to really feel the contractions, even though I'd just had a Staidol injection at 1 PM and was something like a half-hour away from my next injection. Then in the next 10-15 minutes, I really started to feel some pain. I got out of bed and worked with Marty using the techniques we learned in childbirth class to sway and breathe and meditate through the contractions. This honestly helped a bit, but not a whole lot. Shannon came in and asked how I was feeling, and I told her "not good." She then showed me on the monitor that as soon as my water broke, my body had taken over and gone into its own labor pattern, and I was having contractions on top of contractions -- natural ones on top of Pitocin/chemically-induced ones. She said, no wonder you're in pain! Then Shannon said the magical "e" word and before I could think twice about it, I was signing a release form to receive the epidural. The anesthesiologist reappeared and honestly, I was so uncomfortable by this point that I didn't really hesitate nor have the energy to be scared of the epidural administration process. Shannon let Marty stay with me and he held me close while Shannon watched my contractions and the anesthesiologist gave me directions. I curved my back outward and prepared myself for the "bee sting" and was pleasantly surprised to discover that I barely felt it (maybe it was all those wretched contractions that overwhelmed any other sensation?). The doctor assured me I'd done a great job, taped down the catheter in my back, and watched my blood pressure for a few minutes while the epidural took effect. I felt my legs slowly going numb, though I could still move them somewhat. Soon, I was really feeling good and felt sleepy, too, and the doctor was satisfied that all was well and I'd be comfortable until the pushing stage.

Sadly, that was not to be. To be continued...

Happy Anniversary, my Marty

Today is our first wedding anniversary! I would have been shocked to learn a year ago that on July 19, 2009, we'd be celebrating our first year of marriage with a 13-day-old son. And even though I've never been more exhausted in my life, I've also never been as happy. Of course, finding a diamond ring next to my French toast on my breakfast plate this morning may have launched me into a new stratosphere of happiness... Thank you for my anniversary present, Sweetheart, and thank you for a year of wedded bliss! Looking forward to many, many more. I love you!!!(p.s. -- I now owe everyone and his brother a return phone call or email. Please be patient with me as I slowly return to the world of communication from the Land of the Sleep Deprived!)

baby love

and the pictures start rolling in...

I was so completely out of it here, I don't even remember this picture being taken. This was about an hour or two post C-section and I was finally hopped up on drugs (more on that to come). I do remember the sound of the nurse wheeling his bassinet into the room and my heart flurrying in excitement to get to hold William for the first time -- I had only a brief encounter with him in the operating room and that was from the weird upside-down angle at that!

The morning after, getting ready to exchange hospital duds for cute clothes from home. Will is so intent here on finding Daddy's face that he did the adorable cross-eyed thing that infants do and it breaks your heart with preciousness...

Mama is finally dressed again herself and fully enjoying the "turtle butt" that all my nieces and nephews did, and I was so delighted to see my own son do! By the way, see any resemblance between mother and son? I was born with the very same shock of coal black hair.

Aunt Katie's favorite picture -- Will's first full day at home, breaking in all his baby goodies, like his cushy swing. He wasn't jaundiced but we were told that Vitamin K (D?) would be good for him (and all babies), so some sunshine would be in order. Fortunately for us, he really liked both -- the sunshine and the swing -- and sacked out right away!

That's all for now -- birth story coming soon, I promise. (I'm honestly a bit hesitant to re-live that day except for the one bright spot in it!)

Our son

~William Champion Conway~

Born to Marty and Becky on July 6, 2009 at 11:49 pm

8 pounds, 19 inches long

"The Lord is good to those who wait for Him..."~Lamentations 3:25

In the quiet

My house is silent. I can't bear the sound of the TV or the phone ringing. I'm even having a difficult time with the kid currently cleaning out his car in our apartment parking lot, jamming to his radio. Even my brain is seeking silence from itself. I received a box of ordered books from Barnes & Noble yesterday, and one of them is a novel that takes place in 16th-century England, my favorite era in time to escape to...yet I can only read a couple pages in a sitting before I have to give up on reading altogether. I'll start a crossword puzzle -- another favorite mental escape -- and I have to stop because I can't seem to focus on a silly puzzle, because I don't want to focus on it. I just want to sit in the quiet.

Without going into all the crazy details, we found out a couple days ago that William will be born either Monday or Tuesday of next week, depending on how well -- and how quickly -- his Mama's body responds to medicine. Fortunately, praise God, the details aren't too scary, and upping his birthday by a few days is really just a measure of precaution more than anything else. I have a doctor who finally, finally stepped up to the plate and got seriously involved in my healthcare, and boy did she ever. Yes, it's Dr. Pickler, after all. How ironic that she's the one who said, "Let's just get this baby here sooner rather than later, because I'm concerned." The concern I've received all along from my other two doctors, she pours on at the end. Life is funny that way -- now it's her I want to see on Monday morning. We see her again today, just to get checked one more time so we can all feel good/reassured about my status throughout the long holiday weekend. Mostly, we just need my BP to stay at least where it is, if not climb down a few points. If all is well, the next time we see Dr. Pickler is when she'll check me in the hospital on Monday, to see how well I'm progressing in my labor. I can hardly believe I just typed that.

And this is why I'm craving silence. Have you ever nurtured a dream your entire life? Have you ever, for the sake of sanity, had to relinquish that dream? Ever had to let it go because you had to face the reality that it would never be fulfilled? I have. I did. All I ever wanted, from the time I was old enough to dream, was to have a loving husband and sweet babies of my own. Everything else was always, only ever going to be icing on that cake.

I thought I had that cake, once upon a time. I thought I was working on it, at least. Then a few short years ago, I watched as it -- the cake, my life -- crumbled into a million pieces around me. I had no hope of creating a new one; survival was my only goal. Then astonishingly, I did -- I survived. Then, in the midst of achieving survival, I felt the whisper of Jesus Himself..."I came so that you might have life, and that you might have it more abundantly." Really, Lord? You mean me? Shouldn't I be punished for letting it all fall apart? Haven't I utterly failed? Don't I deserve to live out my days in isolation, feeling the weight of my failure? Surely you don't mean to bless me after all that has passed?

It is glorious to me to imagine the smile on my Lord's face as He heard these prayers, and then rubbed His hands together and got started showering me with blessings. First, He eased my mind about the things in the past, and gave me forgiveness for my errings and peace about the things that were not my fault. Then, after He'd healed my heart, He led me straight into the arms of my Marty. Here I am, nearly two years later, and I am still astounded at the gift I've been given. Never, never, never was a wife happier and more assured and more content in the love of a husband. In the words of Jane Eyre, "I am his life as fully as he is mine." I never thought to be able to experience such a depth of love; some days my heart could break at the power of it. I remember thinking, and saying aloud to Marty, if this is all I'm ever given, I am truly a woman blessed beyond measure. Then, miracle of miracles, the one dream I had been forced to abandon so long ago and had no hope of resurrecting...we had the promise of a child -- our child. And of course, I met this promise with all the fortitude of a leaf on a windy autumn day. Even after all the Lord had guided me through, I doubted His goodness. I thought, it's too good to be true, I won't be allowed to have all that I want in life, I won't get to have this shiny new cake (a loving husband AND a sweet baby?) that suddenly appeared before my eyes. Then, week after week after week, the Lord walked me through. I watched in amazement as my belly grew; I couldn't believe my eyes as I watched on a screen my little boy wiggle around inside me. I saw joy on my husband's face and felt it reflected in my own heart. Still, the reality didn't fully set in...

...Until this week, when Dr. Pickler said, "Let's have a baby on Monday." The reality didn't slowly sink in -- it landed on my brain with a thud! It is now real to me, very real to me. Like any first-time mommy, I'm facing down a good-sized mountain of fears about the whole experience, but eclipsing this, truly eclipsing this, is the sense of awe I feel at the Lord Jesus, the Creator and Provider of all perfect and beautiful things. That He would bestow on me my husband Marty, and then give us our sweet William. That at some time on Monday or Tuesday, I'm going to experience the fruition, the blossoming, the fulfillment of my little girl's dream.

So you can see why I need to sit in the quiet. Why I can't be distracted by silly, trivial things right now. Because I am sitting in awe of a MIGHTY GOD. Who loves me. Who has blessed me.

Praise God from Whom all blessings flow,

Praise Him all ye creatures here below!

Praise Him above ye heavenly host,

Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost! Amen!