As my belly gets bigger and the countdown tally of days gets smaller, my thoughts are turning more and more often to parenting. Probably a good thing, right? I find that I'm very interested in how others choose to parent their children, but I also find myself feeling more and more critical of the choices that some people make for their children (observations from blogs, TV, real-life, etc.). My critical thoughts are seeming to boil down to one issue: how much control parents exert on their children.Don't get me wrong, I'm not talking about discipline here -- Marty and I already have pretty solid ideas on discipline and those are basically a merging of how he and I were disciplined as children by our parents. For example, my parents chose different methods of discipline for each child; spankings didn't really work on me, but sticking me in a corner for 10 minutes of absolute silence was pure torture for me and the lesson came through loud and clear each time I was disciplined this way. But I digress. What I'm talking about it is more along the line of personal, private time and the ability to make personal, private choices. For example, my sisters and I were taken to the library about once a week or every other week, but my parents never screened or censored the books we checked out. They let us explore our own interests and didn't obsess over illustrations, word choice, content, etc. Of course, an attempt to check out a dirty novel would have been immediately halted, but that never happened and that's not really my point here. I guess it just irks me deep inside knowing that some parents feel the need to screen and censor every little image or sound or word or thought or feeling that occurs in their children! Not to mention the need that I see some parents displaying to control every moment of their children's lives. Some of my most cherished time as a teenager was spent in my own room in privacy, listening to music I chose, reading books I chose, talking on the phone with friends I chose, and dreaming dreams that were all my own. This is where a person finds her own identity! I see the job of parents to guide their children toward good and beautiful things. I remember being encouraged to go read a book under a tree in the summer. I remember books being read to us; my mom read us Little Women after dinner and my dad read me Cinderella before bed (he does a great Fairy Godmother voice, by the way..."bippity-boppity-boo!"). Plus all those library trips! So is it any wonder that I and my sisters grew up to be voracious readers? But here's the real beauty of it...my sister Sarah reads science fiction (Michael Crichton) and disaster books (Isaac's Storm and The Sinking of the Edmund Fitzgerald). My sister Katie devours history books (biographies of presidents, the Civil War) and can't get enough of art and art history books. Of course, I read lots of fiction and anything I can get my hands on relating to British history. Sarah has a degree in Biology, Katie in Art History, and I have my degree in English. We are such different people with very different interests, but I have to thank my parents again and again for letting us choose who we wanted to be, not some cookie-cutter version of themselves or what they thought the model child should look like.
I should also make it clear that my parents were very discerning about what children they let me play with, but they were also very generous once they made those decisions. I went to countless slumber parties as a child and had many of my own. I was also not allowed to date until I was 17, but my parents didn't balk (although my dad might have had a small heart attack) when I brought home the boy with an earring and a definite smell of cigarette smoke on his clothes. (I made increasingly better and better choices from then on...)
I guess my point is this, I think parents should provide all kinds of direction and guidance, but at the end of the day, let their children be who they are. Let them make their own choices, even if those choices are mistakes. Supervise, but don't control! If my life is any indication, this method has the best results. My sisters and I are extremely close to our parents and we all thoroughly enjoy the adult friendships that we now share with them.
Of course, I wonder how I'll feel when I have my own child? I already think I might not let her out the door for kindergarten... :)
6 comments:
Weird; I was just driving home thinking about the difference between being committed to your child's happiness and simply being committed to your child. The former runs the risk of a clash between the 2 parties' definitions of happiness...I think it's far more meaningful to both parent & child to be committed to the child herself/himself - helping them become the best version of themselves, helping them achieve their own dreams, training them to be productive citizens, etc. Your parents obviously were more concerned with you personally and specifically than just your happiness; that's why discipline even occurred. Does this make sense? I'll have to keep mulling.
These are really interesting thoughts, and things I'm just starting to think about myself.
I think a lot has to do with the age and maturity in each specific child. For example, my parents never gave me a curfew. They never needed to. I was responsible, always communicated my intentions, always made sure I had reliable transportation, and my parents always knew who I was with. My brother, on the other hand, abused this privilege. He's 2 years younger and he did 11th and 12th grade in the States. He had a driver's license and access to a car. He would be out to all hours of the night. I didn't know this, but later he told me that legally in Florida, children under 18 aren't allowed to drive after midnight unless it was from work. So while he wasn't necessarily getting into trouble, he was being illegal and he wasn't being wise about his time (staying out late and having trouble getting up for work in the mornings, etc.). One summer my dad put a curfew on my brother - which was probably good. Then my dad turned around and gave ME a curfew. Me, the girl who'd already been away from home and on my own for two years at college. The girl who'd proved time and time again that I was responsible and trustworthy. Ugh it still makes me mad to this day.
Ideally, parents should be able to guide their kids to make the right choices, read the right books, look at the right pictures. But practically I don't think it always works out that way. I would be very wary of letting my post-pubescent sons have unlimited, unfiltered access to the internet. I would be concerned about explicit lyrics in a CD my kid is listening to. I would be cautious about what my teenage daughters wear.
I guess I probably would exert more control over my children when they're younger, and ideally they'd be in a place where they can make their own, wise decisions by the time they're in high school (or even middle school). But I wouldn't ever want to just assume they were fine, and not step in when what my kids need is some structure or discipline.
Nice Mary Cassatt! One of my favorite artists.
I completely back you up on encouraging your children to read and giving them the choice of what books they want to read (supervised, of course). A certain someone I know was made to read books not of his choosing for a certain period of time every day when he was growing up, and now he won't even look at a book.
Mike and I have been thinking about those same things and that we don't want to shelter our daughter, but let her become her own person, in her own time. God has made her uniquely special and we want to embrace that as best as we can. There are limitations and boundaries, but we are confident that if we teach her about Jesus, her character will reflect that.
I was always encouraged to be my own person too--I think it's made my life so much more interesting....(not that I'm like super cool or anything, but, nevermind). I had a vivid imagination as a child and have great memories of playing dress up and with dolls and writing little novels (I started young), and I loved it.... My little half sister has had a very different upbringing and it kind of makes me sad because she's a little cookie cutter of all the kids she hangs out with... Boo. I hope I can be a good parent and allow my children that freedom. You'll be a great mom!
I'm still a few years off having children yet, but I really like the idea of parents giving children free agency over what they read from the library (with the exception of, like you said, offensive or unsuitable stuff). I think that's a surefire way to raise a child who will enjoy reading! :)
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