Wearing a smile

"...I will forget my complaint, I will put off my sad face and wear a smile..." Job 9:27 (New King James).

Something has been troubling me deep inside, for quite awhile now. It was something that was easy to put off dealing with, while I focused on my wedding and then making my home in Tennessee with my new husband. However, as each item has been put away, each chair arranged just-so, and each picture hung on the wall in our little apartment home, I got closer and closer to having no more excuses to avoid the trouble in my heart. That trouble erupted on Saturday night, after an innocent trip to the mailbox landed black-and-white proof of that very trouble in my lap. I opened the letter and burst into tears, confounding myself and my husband with the strength and rawness of my emotions.

I don't want to go into details about my trouble, because the people who know me personally already know of what I'm speaking, and it's too difficult to introduce in a forum such as this. Let it suffice to say, however, that this trouble was physical and emotional and spiritual, that it is over, and that the evidence that came in the mail was "simply" a very painful reminder of a very painful circumstance. It was also a reminder, fresh and new, of the feelings I had yet to process. So...process I did. Right then and right there. My husband held me as I sobbed and sobbed, finally giving oxygen to pent-up anguish. And oh my goodness, did it ever feel good. To let go, to give it up, to ask questions aloud, with anger and hurting, and to ultimately be okay knowing the answers are impossible to comprehend on this side of heaven. The best part (if there is a "best part" to meltdowns) was looking into the loving eyes of my husband, and knowing the love I see there is unconditional, complete, and immutable. Knowing also that true love is inspired by the Creator of love, and acknowledging that to be loved like that by another human being is merely an echo of how much I'm loved by that same Creator.

So, after the last sniffle ceased and the last tear was wiped away, I felt ready to put off my sad face and smile again. My hurt will never go away completely, but at least I'm no longer deeply troubled by it. What's the difference between these two states of being for me? A healthy dose of healing and a mighty big inundation of hope.

I have this little postcard ripped from a magazine that pictures two hands cradling a tiny plant in dark loamy soil, and the caption reads, "Hope blooms every day." My heart responded mightily when I saw this picture, so I tore it out and placed it just under my computer screen, where I can see it every chance I need to. You know why I need to see it? Because I've realized that it's a conscious decision, allowing hope to bloom in your heart. It's a purposeful direction of thought and feeling...hope doesn't just bloom of its own accord. You have to allow it to happen in your heart, then you must nurture it and let it bloom bigger and prettier than the day before. I've also learned that you have to make way for hope by letting healing happen in its own time. Delaying it and putting it off only makes the ultimate reckoning that much harder to bear. Healing is, in fact, that fertile loamy soil in which hope can bloom.

So on this beautiful October day, I feel as light as the leaves I'm watching drop and swirl in the sunshine and breeze. I have put away my sad face and I'm wearing a smile. And hoping with all my heart.