Random thoughts, round 2

I haven't posted in a little while and that's mostly because I haven't felt well this week. I think I'm battling strep throat and I really need to suck it up and find a local doctor. I don't really want to because I adore my doctor back home in Indiana, who has been my doctor since I was 5 years old! Anyhoo, just wanted to jot down some thoughts rolling around in my head, from the extremely trivial to varying levels of higher importance.

• I feel a rant coming on toward legalistic Christians. I grew up going to a very strict private Baptist school, and I experienced legalism in just about every form imaginable. I must state that my parents were not among this crowd; they sent us to the school so we could get a top-notch education, which we did. What they didn't bargain for was all the irrational spiritual "sludge" (my term) that would be crammed into our minds along with our A-B-C's. Anyway, for most of my adult life, I've attended non-denominational churches and more recently, a Lutheran church (which is truly my church "home" -- they are ALL ABOUT grace!). However, I still read lots and lots online about current thinking in the modern-day church, and lately, what I'm reading is scaring me. It's scaring me because it's so deeply familiar. For example, practicing yoga is a sin? Er...WHAT??? Seriously, people, let's get back to the basics of Christianity. Love God and love your neighbor. This is the message that Jesus preached to us over and over and over again. Why? Because that's the heart of Christianity, not spending all our time worrying over sin. We've been freed from the law!!! Let's live in GRACE. Like my pastor says, "Live in the gift." I could go on and on, but that's a good summary for now. I've a feeling I'll be revisiting this topic again soon, though. Stay tuned. For more ranting.
• And on to a completely different topic...how many of you ladies use Oil of Olay? I'm 31 years old, and suffice it to say, I've had pretty crappy skin for oh, 17 years? I've tried everything on the market to help with acne and dryness, and I mean everything: Proactiv Solution (which works until I break out into hives), all the over-the-counter products, several expensive salon products, even the prescription drug, Accutane (which you can NOT be on if you're sexually active...even with the required 2 forms of birth control, the possible birth defects are truly scary). Anyway, I don't recall how I got the idea to moisturize my skin to the nth degree, but last week I bought Oil of Olay day cream and night cream. And holy cow, kids, it works!!! My skin is not only soft and smooth, it's CLEAR. It's like a drugstore miracle. Maybe my skin was just starved for moisture all these years? Typical of me...struggle for years with something only to find a very simple solution.
• This weekend, Marty and I will be continuing our search for economical but high-quality king-size mattresses. People who know me personally, know that I'm a champion sleeper. Seriously, I have the equivalent of a black-belt or a gold medal or an Oscar in sleeping. I'm that good at it, and enjoy it that much! So I can't stress enough the importance of a good mattress to my championship sleeping...yet in my old age, I'm becoming something of a penny-pincher. Does anyone have any good recommendations on where we should be looking for mattresses? The next decade of my sleeping quality depends on what you say...so no pressure.
• It's official...we're going to NYC for Thanksgiving weekend! We'll be flying out Thanksgiving morning and then making our way to Long Island, where Marty's Aunt Becky lives. We'll be staying until the next Tuesday, so there will be plenty of time with the Fam PLUS time by ourselves in the great city! Yes, it won't be long until I can personally say...

Fun at the orchard

On Saturday morning, Leslie, Marty and I piled into the car and took a trip to Altapass Orchard in North Carolina by way of the Blue Ridge Parkway. I still don't know which part of the trip was better -- the actual orchard or the beauty and grandeur set out for our viewing enjoyment on the Blue Ridge Parkway! As Leslie said, "it's like a show just for us."
At the orchard, we took in the mountains and the apples and the mountains of apples:Then we took in the bluegrass band playing their good ole tunes and all the folks who were clogging and dancing in the crisp air...

We ate hot dogs and pulled pork sandwiches and pumpkin cake while the band sang "Rocky Top" (I really felt like a true Tennessee girl!). Then we drank some hot apple cider before beginning our frolic in the apple barn and the orchard.

It was truly the perfect fall experience. We had so much fun! Thanks again, my Leslie, for having this brilliant idea and letting us tag along on your journey to "fall for fall." Thanks also for the amazing pictures! Please come back and visit again soon!

how to not hate Monday mornings

On Sunday afternoon/evening:

• Iron all hubby's shirts and pants (so his mornings are smooth and easy for the coming week)
• Let hubby have his fill of football (this leads to happy hubby in general)
• Clean kitchen (there's nothing worse than being greeted in the morning by a sinkful of dirty dishes)
• Make sure fridge and pantry are stocked with healthy breakfast items (skim milk, Total wheat flakes, and bananas on tap for this week)
• Ready coffeemaker so all that's required in the AM is the pushing of a button
• Make bed with freshly cleaned white sheets for peaceful slumber and sweet dreams, in order to awake refreshed and happy

I'm proud to say I've done all the above. Looking forward to a happy Monday!!!

Random thoughts

• I'm really irritated at the ending of Project Runway. Kenley was my favorite, and she didn't have an attitude, she was just...emotional. Yeah, that's it. (Okay, she had an attitude. But even though Kenley snapped at him, the great Tim Gunn forgave and called her "sweetheart.") Anyway, I loved her Bryant Park collection, especially this dress. Leanne's collection was just...blah. Yeah, the petals are a cool feature and all, but the colors? Yawn. The styles? I wouldn't wear 'em.
• I just found a new show. Well, it's new to me. Has anyone watched "Samantha Who?" It's an adorable comedy featuring Christina Applegate. I watched a couple episodes online here.
• I've re-fallen in love with Real Simple magazine. I had a subscription for a few years and let it lapse when...well, when normal life lapsed for awhile. In unpacking all my things, I found about 3 years' worth of old issues and I've discovered (again) that these magazines are worth their weight in gold, with all the fun recipes, advice, tips, and heartwarming stories. Real Simple, I shall never leave thee again.
• I can't wait to move out of this apartment. (But wait, Becky, didn't you just move in? Yes, we did. Keep reading.) Our lease will be up in May, and when the time comes, we're going to find a great place to rent (hopefully even a house) where I can a) paint the walls (I'm sick to my soul of cream-colored walls) and b) get a puppy. I work from home and I need a little friend to have with me for the 10+ hours that Marty is gone. I think I want a yellow lab. Marty and I are still debating the gender. (I want a boy dog, and I want to name him Pilot. Oh yes, like Mr. Rochester's dog in Jane Eyre. Marty wants a girl dog because he thinks a boy dog, especially one who spends all day with me, wouldn't feel much loyalty for the man of the house. We watch a lot of Dog Whisperer, and I have to admit, Marty has a point, being the alpha male of the pack and all that.)
• I found an absolutely lovely blog called this is glamorous. On it, I found this picture, which screams Becky at the top of its lungs:

• And that's it for now! Everyone have a great weekend!

the October list

So I've been wanting to keep a master list somewhere of things I'm doing, things I'm needing to get done, and just random other items floating in my head, and I thought, why not my blog? That way, all of my friends can keep me encouraged and headed in the right direction, yes? Without further ado, here's my first list!

• What I'm reading: Body in the Gallery, by Katherine Hall Page. Faith of My Fathers, by John McCain (no, I'm not a Republican but yes, I'm generally a McCain fan...and I'm reading this book less for voting research purposes and more because I admire war heroes and I want to know what his Vietnam experience was like, and no, I have no idea why I feel the need to vociferously defend my reading choices!). I need some new book recommendations, by the way...
• What we're spending on: getting the carpets, tile, and furniture upholstery in our apartment cleaned (not my favorite thing to spend money on, but soooo worth it).
• What we're saving for: king-size mattresses. And a house (a few years down the road).
• What I need to do: send the rest of the wedding thank-you notes. Clean my house in anticipation of Leslie's visit this weekend (hurrah! I get to see an actual girlfriend!!!). Organize the storage room/finish going through boxes and bags and take extraneous items to Goodwill. Get joint checking account open with Hubs (this has been a long, tedious process that of course, starts with changing your Social Security information, then driver's license, etc.). Clean and organize office (blecch). Start thinking about Christmas presents (seriously, where did 2008 go?). Finalize Thanksgiving plans.
• What I'm thinking about: the election and the economy, of course. How to tighten up our grocery spending without sacrificing yumminess/health. My niece, Ada, my dad, and my brother-in-law Christopher, who all celebrate birthdays this month. Also, my friends Leslie and Elisabeth are celebrating birthdays in October. (Have I missed anyone?)
• What I'm working on: losing weight (at least 20 pounds); I do 30 minutes on the treadmill at least 3 times a week, but I know I need to step it up (literally). Being more focused during the day/becoming more efficient in my job.
• What I'm happy about: the strength and wisdom of my husband, and the joy in our marriage. My cousin Tom becoming a daddy last week, at long last. My friend Ellen finalizing her next great career move soon, probably this week. Getting to go home to Indy in a couple weeks.

Wearing a smile

"...I will forget my complaint, I will put off my sad face and wear a smile..." Job 9:27 (New King James).

Something has been troubling me deep inside, for quite awhile now. It was something that was easy to put off dealing with, while I focused on my wedding and then making my home in Tennessee with my new husband. However, as each item has been put away, each chair arranged just-so, and each picture hung on the wall in our little apartment home, I got closer and closer to having no more excuses to avoid the trouble in my heart. That trouble erupted on Saturday night, after an innocent trip to the mailbox landed black-and-white proof of that very trouble in my lap. I opened the letter and burst into tears, confounding myself and my husband with the strength and rawness of my emotions.

I don't want to go into details about my trouble, because the people who know me personally already know of what I'm speaking, and it's too difficult to introduce in a forum such as this. Let it suffice to say, however, that this trouble was physical and emotional and spiritual, that it is over, and that the evidence that came in the mail was "simply" a very painful reminder of a very painful circumstance. It was also a reminder, fresh and new, of the feelings I had yet to process. So...process I did. Right then and right there. My husband held me as I sobbed and sobbed, finally giving oxygen to pent-up anguish. And oh my goodness, did it ever feel good. To let go, to give it up, to ask questions aloud, with anger and hurting, and to ultimately be okay knowing the answers are impossible to comprehend on this side of heaven. The best part (if there is a "best part" to meltdowns) was looking into the loving eyes of my husband, and knowing the love I see there is unconditional, complete, and immutable. Knowing also that true love is inspired by the Creator of love, and acknowledging that to be loved like that by another human being is merely an echo of how much I'm loved by that same Creator.

So, after the last sniffle ceased and the last tear was wiped away, I felt ready to put off my sad face and smile again. My hurt will never go away completely, but at least I'm no longer deeply troubled by it. What's the difference between these two states of being for me? A healthy dose of healing and a mighty big inundation of hope.

I have this little postcard ripped from a magazine that pictures two hands cradling a tiny plant in dark loamy soil, and the caption reads, "Hope blooms every day." My heart responded mightily when I saw this picture, so I tore it out and placed it just under my computer screen, where I can see it every chance I need to. You know why I need to see it? Because I've realized that it's a conscious decision, allowing hope to bloom in your heart. It's a purposeful direction of thought and feeling...hope doesn't just bloom of its own accord. You have to allow it to happen in your heart, then you must nurture it and let it bloom bigger and prettier than the day before. I've also learned that you have to make way for hope by letting healing happen in its own time. Delaying it and putting it off only makes the ultimate reckoning that much harder to bear. Healing is, in fact, that fertile loamy soil in which hope can bloom.

So on this beautiful October day, I feel as light as the leaves I'm watching drop and swirl in the sunshine and breeze. I have put away my sad face and I'm wearing a smile. And hoping with all my heart.

The country is having an anxiety attack

Or is it just me? As I type this, my husband is downstairs, still watching the vice presidential debate. Also as I type this, my husband's blood pressure is on the rise. Personally, I couldn't take it anymore. It's not just the blatant lying going on that's freaking me out (look, either he voted for it or he didn't, so someone is telling fibs up there!), but the issues flying about in the air like flies at a picnic. Are the polar ice caps really melting? And if so, is it really my fault if they are? (Seriously, was it all the aerosol hairspray I used in high school?) Then there are the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. Not to mention the unstable, volatile places like Iran, North Korea, Israel, and Palestine. Not so ironically, the conversation about those places was immediately followed by a discussion about nuclear arms control...shudder. Oh, and let's not forget for even a second the grave financial crisis here at home. Who else feels in their gut like our economy is about to tank? Who else this week has felt the need to coldly assess the value of their jobs in a failing economy? My job is closely tied to healthcare, so it feels safer than others might, I suppose, but then again, I'm not a doctor or a nurse -- two jobs that would be safe in nearly any economic climate. I have a 401K that I no longer have any hope for, and not enough money on-hand to see us through an extended period of personal financial crisis, if we were both let go from our jobs tomorrow. I have bills to pay. I have to keep up a lease. I have to keep a gas tank filled. My husband drives a 60-minute round-trip commute to work 5 days a week, and even using his Toyota Camry, we're spending enough money weekly to feed a third-world country for a month. My husband was recently diagnosed with high blood pressure, and I suddenly found myself in need of creative ways to feed him a healthier diet. And all that creativity was deflated as soon as I got to the checkout line at my grocery store. I did what all the experts say to do -- I filled my cart with fresh things on the perimeter of the store and (mostly) avoided the processed, packaged things in the middle...but my bill was how much??? Exhausted yet by my stream-of-consciousness rant???

In all seriousness, who else feels a pressing need to find a dark corner to hide in for the next decade, until all current crises have past? I'm not naive enough to think I'd emerge into a crisis-free planet, but at least there'd be a different crop of crises I'd have to worry about!

Alternately, I also feel a pressing need to trust in God's sovereignty, to understand that He's in control and not surprised by any of this. But I also feel burdened to be smart, clever, and resourceful with the abilities and funds and blessings I've been given (that verse is running through my head..."Go to the ant, thou sluggard, consider her ways and be wise."). Does anyone else feel this way? That it's time to get diligent and strategic about the way we earn money, spend money, and most importantly, save money? So here's the purpose of my little rant...dear readers, let's pool our mutual smarts and come up with new ways to penny-pinch and save money for a rainy day. Please share your tips, tricks, and ideas. I'll take anything ya got.

Help end this girl's anxiety attack. Remember, she's trying to live a peaceful life!!!